Doorman Buildings

Living in New York, there are tons of different types of apartments. While most are small ... re-write, VERY small ... and VERY expensive, there are surely different types. I have friends that live in buildings with no elevators and friends that live in buildings with elevators, but that does not come close to the cool building that I live in: A building with an elevator and a doorman!

The doorman is a staple in many New York City buildings, and it is a nice way to feel safe and secure while living in this big city. However, there are a couple of awkward things about having a doorman. Let me elaborate.

Do you remember when you were in High School and you were trying to make out with that special girl or guy in your life? And you had to try and sneak them into the basement without your parents seeing? Or you were so drunk and you didn't want your parents too see you drunk? Yea, imagine that your parents were ALWAYS sitting at the only door into your house. Yea, that is what it is like to have a doorman. Imagine coming home with a random ugly boy, or coming home blackout wasted alone (not sure which is worse). That sucks in general, but think about this, your doorman always sees and remembers this. It is like having your parents sitting at your door! Their judgmental eyes watching you and thinking "wow, that kid is a hot mess".

So yea, it is really awkward having a doorman. While it does make you feel superior to other people in NYC, it kind of makes you feel worse about your choice in men and the amount of vodka you like to drink. Think twice before getting an apartment with a doorman. Especially if you don't want people to know you are a drunk or a whore.

In Animal News ...

As most of us have probably heard by now, America's beloved Taco Bell Chihuahua, Gidget, has died of a stroke at the age of 15. I have a few things I need to talk about here. First, in the commercials, wasn't "Gidget" a dude? I believe the husky "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" voice was a guy. Am I missing something? Couldn't they have gotten a guy chihuahua to play the part? Or was Gidget a really butch lesbian with a gruff voice?

Also, I love how to owner was shocked and saddened by the loss of Gidget. While I totally agree that they should be saddened, are they really shocked? The dog was 15 years old! In human years, that is like 105. If my parents die when they are 105, I certainly am not going to come out saying that I was "shocked" by their passing. Of course, if my parents live to be 105, that would make me 67, which, at this rate, I do not think I will be seeing. Damn you Absolut Mandarin! (Side Bar: In my hungover state yesterday morning, I made my way to Starbucks and when the woman asked what I wanted I instinctively responded "Mandarin and Water - erm, umm ... I mean, grande caramel light frappucino." She was not amused.)

Finally, has anyone actually spent time around a chihuahua? They are the most obnoxious dogs on the planet. While they look cute, they run around, yelp, shake and are just crazy. I would be happy if I never saw one again. The next one I see I am going to punt clear across 9th avenue right into my favorite Chinese restaurants kitchen. I think that is what they use to make my general tso's chicken anyway.

In other animal news, please check out the most ridiculous site ever. My girl Jules and I discovered this site a few months back and could not stop laughing at the shear ridiculousness of this website. SugarBush Squirrel, the world's most famous and photographed squirrel, is the star of the site, however, please make your way over to the part of the website describing the creator. She is a complete nut (pun intended). Doesn't she look like when she looks into your eyes she is somehow stealing your soul?

I have a couple of thoughts regarding this site. First of all, there is no way that that squirrel can be alive. The way it is always holding things and letting this freak dress her up tip me off to the fact that this squirrel is in fact dead or fake. Which leads to my next point. If this is a stuffed squirrel, I am even more creeped out by this lady. She spends her days taking thousands of photographs of a dead squirrel. Who has time for that? Where does she get the little outfits? Why is this her passion? So much for me to learn ...

That is not to say that I do not have the calendar sitting on my desk. Don't ask questions ... just go with it. The calendar also came with a SugarBush Squirrel Pen. Quite a bargain at $9.95.

Maybe this is why I am dateless ... I bet Kelly Foxton, the creator of SugarBush Squirrel's website, gets more dates than I do ... Sad.

Fame Has Found Me ... Again

In my quest to use this blog to bring me fame, fortune and a rich husband, I have triumphed yet again. Not only am I getting hateful comments on my blog (which is awesome), I have now been recognized by a legit website that wants me to contribute articles and free lance for them. The editor of Queersighted was tipped off about my blog and reached out to me this week and we are currently workshopping ideas on topics I could write for them. His first assignment pertains to me working on a dating challenge for the site, and he mentions this:

"I was wondering if you would be up for a dating challenge and be willing to blog about it. The challenge would be for you to try out as many different ways to try and find a boyfriend as possible and write about your experience, from speeddating to online dating to ... . It would be like a guide to big city gay dating and every week/2weeks you would give advice to fellow gay men living in big cities around the world."

Now, I go on my fair share of dates I must admit. These dates normally happen once, and then never again. Maybe I am too picky, or maybe I am a terrible date, but this has got to change. I am tasked with the job of giving advice to gay men around the world on how to date and what forms of dating methods work. According to the hateful comment from "Anonymous" on my No Sex in the City post , maybe its because I am not cute. I think Elaine Benes from Seinfeld said it best ... "Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?" Well, clearly, that is not the case as I am as adorable as a box of puppies.

Can anyone else think of topics I should write about for this gay website? Any suggestions are welcomed. Please just let them in the comments section of this article.

As for now, look out world, the Craig Miller empire is about to explode ... And oh yea, I know I cannot photo shop. Whatever ...

The Gayest Movie Ever Told ... Maybe

Last night I was (un)lucky enough to get a free ticket to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince before most nerds got to see it. I work for a company that gets cool things and we were able to see this without standing in line before every else. For shear superiority factor, I wanted to go and rub it in everyone's face that I had already seen what is sure to be a mega hit. That being said, the movie was kind of boring and I am glad I didn't wasted 14 hours of my life seeing the other 5.

The best part of the night came during the previews. Warner Brothers upcoming movie Shorts, which is about "Toe Thompson, who just wants to make a few friends...until a mysterious rainbow-colored rock falls from the sky, hits him in the head and changes everything". Ummm, wtf? Is that what happened to me when I was a child? Did a little gay, rainbow colored rock fall from the sky and into my crib? Is that how gaybies are made?

If so, I "found my rock" at an early, early age. Whether it was me watching The Sound of Music and Grease every day when I was 2 years old, or me crying because my dad wouldn't let my nails get painted clear when I was 3 (sadly, both true stories), I was a gayby from the get go.

But what about people who don't "find their rock" until later in life? Did Anne Heche find part of a rainbow rock, and then decide to destroy it, sending her from Ellen back to straight men? If all it takes is getting this special gay, rainbow rock, please remind me to send rainbow rocks to the following people: Andy Roddick, Eddie Cibrian, George Clooney (although, one might think he has 1/4 of a rainbow rock somewhere), and Tom Brady.

I also would like to applaud Warner Brothers for writing and producing a movie that celebrates gaybies and all of their troubles growing up. It is about time that a gay rock can star in a major film. Too long have gay rocks been repressed. Also, I think i am going to start a new word for coming out - "finding your rock". Let's see if we can get this started and if we can make this stick. Like I said, I "found my rock" when I was a wee lad, however, hot guys, like Brad Pitt, still need to "find their rock". Mmhmmm, Brad Pitt ...

Fame is a Bitch ...

I have been waiting to start getting the recognition that I deserve and it has finally come - in the form of a negative comment on this very blog! What a treat I received when I was reading a comment on my story "No Sex in the City"! While someone had posted that I definitely needed to lower my standards if I were to ever find a man, that one did not dig deep enough. The next comment, however, did. From what I can discern from the comment, I believe the Anonymous poster was calling me ugly!

Anonymous said... It's rather interesting that you make the broad generalization that most people that are in relationships are unattractive. Judging by your picture, I'd wager that you're in no position whatsoever to make this claim.

How epic is that? I used to think that only my closest friends were reading my little website, however, it appears that people I don't know are reading it and hating on it. You know you are starting to get famous when people start writing hateful things on your website. Now I know how Lohan feels. And you know when you can empathize with Lohan, you are doing something right ... or erm, wrong? Either way, the person who anonymously wrote the comment is either:

1. Star Jones

2. One of Star Jones' minions

3. Someone ugly that is in a relationship. They were all pleased that they were in a relationship and then realized, "yikes, ugly people can be dating too??".

That being said, keep the comments coming kids. The price of fame is a life of hateful, jealous comments. But I am willing to bear that cross ... I am willing.

How Am I Not Famous Yet?

"I want to be like everyone else
But richer and more acclaimed
Worshipped and celebrated
Pampered and loved
To see those who've laughed
Feeling ashamed
A glorious, frantic
Adoring response"

-Side Show the Musical

That is pretty much how I feel. Now, you may be wondering why I have the photo above coinciding with that quote. Well, I have to look up to these four people in some way. They have all managed to become famous for one reason or another. An amazing feat if I may say so myself. Also, they have all written books, which is something that I am clearly worthy of. My life has had some crazy moments, and living in NYC, I am adding to them daily. So, what, exactly are these people famous for?

Tucker Max: He is a complete douche bag and a self proclaimed asshole. He drinks excessively and is a complete jerk to all of the women he meets. Sound familiar? Well, except for the fact that I wrong gay guys and not women. Anyway, he wrote a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" about all his sexual exploits. First of all, take a look at this guy. What kind of girls is he hooking up with? I mean, seriously. If he can get laid, I should be getting laid every night. Regardless, he has a book that is turning into a movie, and he is ultimately more famous than I am.

Chelsea Handler: A legitimate comedienne who worked her way up doing stand-up comedy before getting cast on the TV Show Girls Behaving Badly. She now has her own talk show on E! and she is freakin hilarious. She is a total bitch and she makes fun of everyone and has no mercy. I could listen to her talk about Heidi Montag for hours, and most importantly, she loves gays. And midgets. Awesome. She is pretty and hilarious and those are two things that are pretty damn important. She also has two books called "My Horizontal Life" and "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea". Clearly, a book of stories about one nights stands - my forte.

Kathy Griffin: She, too, is a legitimate comedienne who started out doing stand-up as well. She had acting gigs on Suddenly Susan and on Seinfeld before falling into relative obscurity. She always did stand up afterwards which the gay community loved. She finally is getting the A-List status she deserves after winning 2 Emmy's for her work on her reality show My Life on the D-List. She also was nominated for a Grammy which is awesome. She is a total fag hag, if not a gay guy trapped in a girls body. I adore her and she has a book coming out called "A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin". I cannot wait to read it.

Star Jones: My nemesis. After winning our first feud, I refuse to back down. I have no idea what Star Jones did before joining the view, nor do I care. She has also written a couple of books. One is called "You Have to Stand for Something, Or You'll Fall for Anything". I stand for me being more famous than Star. She annoys me.

Anyway, I will become famous and have a book about me published and get to be on Chelsea's talk show. If I have to be a bigger douche than Tucker Max (umm, not that hard), a bigger bitch than Chelsea Handler (again, not reaching here), a bigger gay guy than Kathy Griffin (check), and have a bigger body than Star Jones ... wait, erm, gross, scratch that ... I will be famous. Look out world. Here I come!

**Don't forget to vote in the poll in the top right corner**

The King of Noogies

Enough about the King of Pop. Really, I know he is an icon, but this is getting old. People crying all the time and freaking out? What is that about? I have heard that 5 people have committed suicide noting the loss of Michael Jackson as the reason. Seriously? Get over it! Who we really need to be talking about is a much more brilliant King - Bill Murray, King of the Noogie.

So, apparently, a friend of a friend of a friend (a long convulated train I know) was on the Subway the other day. He was sitting down, and when the train came to a stop, a bunch of people got off, and Bill Murray was sitting across from him and was starting at him. The guy is kind of creeped out that Bill Murray is staring him down, and at the next stop he gets off the train and is on the train platform. Bill Murray gets up as well, walks out of the train, puts this dude in a headlock, and whispers, "no one will ever believe you". Then leaves the train station.

What kind of nutcase is Bill Murray? What a genius! I wish I had his celebrity status. That is the most genius move I have ever heard. Because when you think about it, who would believe you if you were like "Guys, I was just on the subway and Bill Murray put me in a headlock!"? So, I have been googling this trying to figure out if this story is legit, and a story on Gawker does mention Bill Murray handing out noogies! What a genius! His movies kind of kill me a little inside (except for What About Bob? - which is pure comic genius), but I now dream of the day that I see Bill Murray on the street so I can run up to him, put him in a headlock, and say "take that Bill Murray ... take that!"

Wish me luck ...

**Another article on crazy Bill. What a creeper. Loves it!** Thanks Mojo!

No Sex in the City ...

I have been reflecting a lot about Sex and the City. The show that epitomizes dating life in NYC. Now, I am quite torn about this show. I totally struggle with dating in this city, as did most of the characters on that show. Good guys are hard to find, and people are always looking for the next best thing. It is a highly competitive city and with people always working and on the go, it is hard to make time for yourself - let alone a date.

Then, there are most days when I also disagree with the idea that this city is hard to find love. Walking down the street, sitting on the subway and laying out in Central Park, I see thousands of people holding hands, kissing and generally making me want to order a hot coffee and throw it all over them and their love for each other. How are all these people finding people to date? Are they all tourists? That is a possibility as this city is always packed with tourists. And a lot of people do come to this city for vacations as a couple. But some people in this city have to be dating. What is their secret and how do they do it? I know I COULD date someone, but my standards are decently high. Should I lower them?

And yes, I have to say, the people that I normally see together are normally not that attractive, but when I was thinking about that this morning on the subway, I thought to myself "hey Craig, don't judge that they are ugly - they are getting consistent sex, and you are consistently sexing up your hand." Ahh, one day ...