Bathroom Etiquette

I have been thinking about this for quite some time. I think it’s because I drink an obscene amount of water every day and have the bladder, which I assume is, the size of a grain of rice and I spend a lot of time peeing. Classy, eh? Anyway, there are a couple of things that I would like to discuss on how you should act and appropriate behavior when you are in the bathroom.

Flush the Toilet: You’d think this was a no brainer. Who doesn’t flush the toilet? We aren’t toddlers anymore and we should know better, right? Wrong. You would be surprised how many times I belly up to a urinal and the person before me hasn’t flushed. What is wrong with you? Do you know how gross stale urine smells? If you don’t, let me tell you. It smells bad. People will tell me they don’t flush the toilet because the handle has so many germs on it. Hi, you know how you solve that problem. You wash your hands, with soap, after you pee. Magically, the germs go away. So please, do not leave your yellow treat for the person who comes in after you. It’s uncouth.

Don’t Talk to Me: I really cannot stand when people talk to me in the bathroom. No quality conversation can happen when you are in the bathroom. It’s just not the place for it. You are partially exposed and you are releasing impurities from your body and some homeboy wants to chat with you?  “Hey man, what’s going on?” is a typical question you get when standing at a urinal. “Uhh, peeing” is my typical response. I know some people talk and try to avoid the awkwardness, but trust me, it just makes it more awkward so please don’t converse with me.

Don’t Spit Your Gum in the Toilet: You would be appalled, ladies, to see how many guys spit their gum in the urinal. What kind of jackass are you? You do realize, that your gum doesn’t flush down the urinal and some poor janitor as to physically put his hand in your stale pee (I am assuming you are the same jerk who isn’t flushing the toilet) to clean it out. I mean, is it that hard to spit your gum into the trash can 2 feet away? The one thing I can hope is that maybe all of these are accidents. I cannot tell you one man I have not seen out of the corner of my eye who doesn’t spit into the urinal before they pee. I think it’s part of our DNA.

There are so many other tragedies that occur in the bathroom and I really don’t want to go into all of them, but these 3 really irk me. Please prove that you are an adult and at least follow rules 1 and 3. Otherwise you are just a gross weirdo.

An Open Letter from my 21 year old self

Dear 29 year old Craig:  Dude, you’re 29.  I know you have an amazing job in NYC and are living in one of the greatest cities on the planet, but you need to start acting your age.  You are no longer me. You don’t have classes 3 days a week - starting no earlier than 3pm.  You have a job, where people, most likely respect you. You cannot go out until 5am and expect to feel good the next morning.  It just doesn’t happen.  

Also, while I am sure your hair still looks unbelievably good, you can’t just eat anything you want and expect to be 125 lbs.  Sure, I look like a diseased bird at this weight, but that X-Small stretch t-shirt that is normally fit for a child’s doll, looks awesome on me. Also, you need to start working out buddy.  At some point you are going to have something called Facebook that is going to be suggesting friends to you, and when you click on those “suggested friends”, they are going to be the hottest gay guys you have ever seen who have incredible bodies and will make you feel terrible.  So put down the beer and cheeseburger and get to the gym 4 hours a day like every other gay dude.

And while we are on the subject, can you please stop being obsessed with sports? Here is a little secret: most gays don’t understand sports and will look at you with puzzling glances when you say you are obsessed with football. Sure, they may laugh when you say the word ball (haha, ball), but that doesn’t mean they will understand or like the fact that you aren’t just watching the game to see men in tight clothes.  Oh yea, and those preppy outfits you are obsessed with, scratch those as well.  Gays don’t understand those and will expect you to only wear tank tops.  Buy one in every color. Oh, but don’t wear them unless you see my previous note about going to the gym. Tank tops are unforgiving.

Also, you should probably verse yourself on musicians that no other subset of American society has heard of, like Robyn or Kylie Minogue. They will oddly become staples of gay society and simply liking Christina Aguilera (a goddess of course) will not be enough to pass gay music tests. You will go out to bars and one of their songs will come on, and while everyone else is dancing in their tank tops, you will be standing alone, in your Brooks Brothers polo and seersucker shorts wondering why they aren't playing Rihanna. And oh yea, you will be watching every other person, who, in your opinion is seemingly less attractive but happens to be wearing a tank top, making out.

In conclusion, while I am happy you are making great money working for an awesome company and living in NYC, you need to get your shit together if you want to get laid and or married. 

Love, 21 year old you.

PS – There is this AMAZING thing called Botox that is readily available at this point in your life. Please take advantage of that. While most of your face still looks like a 25 year old, that giant wrinkle on your forehead says otherwise.

Facebook Post Hell

There have been countless articles about Facebook posts that are annoying and over the top.  In fact, I may have posted about this once before, but I feel like no one is learning and I again need to go over a few that really do annoy me.  As I previously thought or mentioned, I really only care about hilarious things that have happened to you, other people’s misfortunes, or pictures you are posting of me.  Mildly acceptable are vacation photos of yourself that you are posting, because as I sit in my tiny cubicle at work, seeing you traipsing through Asia on an Elephant while your monkey tour guide feeds you bananas really does pass the time and helps me imagine myself doing the same one day.  Also, I travel a lot, and I post pictures of myself that I am hoping make everyone jealous.

Among the many atrocities that occur on Facebook every second, there are a few that really irk me.  Here goes:

Taking Pictures of Food:  Listen, I love tacos. I really do. Mmm tacos! But just because you made tacos doesn't mean you have to take a picture and Facebook about it. Unless you are planning on sending me said tacos, I really don't care. And for that matter, it's not that hard to make tacos. I believe Helen Keller even made tacos once. Don’t quote me on that, but I’m going to say she did. And now I am hungry. Thanks a lot.

Over sharing about your child: In my early 20’s, I have to admit, I hated kids. What a nuisance!  Then, my sisters began procreating, and I started liking kids … but only the ones who were related to me.  Recently, as I near 30 and all my friends are getting married, I realize that kids are soon to be an inevitable part of all my friends’ lives.  But I really do not need to know that your baby has had horrible diarrhea lately, or that they have stopped breast feeding from you and that makes you sad. (Yes, those are legit status messages I have seen on my news feed.)  And guess what, most people don’t want to know that either.  And to those of you who DO care, I believe I stopped breast feeding in April of 1983.  Please contact Judy Miller to confirm.  I know your life is complete now. Congrats.  (Acceptable forms of kid sharing – hilarious adorable pictures of them dressed up in ridiculous costumes or if they have some insane Mozart like talent and begin composing and playing music at age 3.)

I have exciting news … But you are going to have to wait:  Have you seen these people?  They write things that allude to some sort of great thing that happened in their lives, or they are super excited about something coming up, but won’t tell you what it is.  These people are fishing for comments.  Look, I knew you in 7^th grade and you somehow became one of my friends on Facebook.  I probably haven’t spoken to you in 15 years and I will probably never speak to you in person ever again. While I do love stalking people and knowing what they are up to, playing these games where you try to entice me to guess what event you are secretly keeping from your entire Facebook list is just dumb.  Just tell me. I probably don’t care that you got a new mattress or that the fertilizer you started using to help make your begonias grow is working so well you have begonias for all your neighbors.  But I care even less when you drag it out like a bad mini-series.

I am sure there are more and I am sure a lot of people get annoyed with my constant Facebook posts about how awesome and cute I am, or how I was bitch slapped in my own hotel room while on a business trip in Chattanooga in 2006, but at least they make people laugh.  And hopefully, they make you want my life (or be happy that you DON’T have my life – which I presume is the more likely version). Discuss.

Ahh, dating ...

I haven't blogged in a while.  I am not totally sure why but there are reasons.  I mean, I am quite busy.  My fragrance line is launching soon.  My book deal is happening.  And I happen to be starring in a Nigerian sitcom that is yet to be named.  Sue me for having a life.

But there is definitely something that I need to get off my chest.  I go to a lot of weddings.  Legitimately, I average 9 weddings a year.  I find that fantastic (except for the whole flying to, paying for hotel rooms and gifts [which my friends these days rarely get], and other accoutrements of weddings)!  I love all my friends and I am seriously more than thrilled that they have found partners to spend their life with!  However, my dating life is less than thrilling.

I find myself intelligent.  I have given myself IQ tests and I know it is much higher than most Americans.  I also find myself quite attractive.  I am not sure if it is because I have looked at my mug in the mirror the past 29 years, but I think there is something more attractive than the typical human being.  Conceited?  Probably. Do i care? No.

Here is my commentary on the previous:  Almost all of my friends have told me that I am nice, smart and attractive.  They often question me saying "how is it possible you are single?"  Or, "you are so cute, you will find someone some day".  I must admit, this is heady, enjoyable conversation.  But do my friends really mean it?  We have all told people that they are cute, in shape or nice because it was the right thing to do.  Don't lie to yourself.  You know you have done that.  My question is, can you ever be 100% sure that your friends are telling you the truth?

This is a strange article to write because most people will think I am writing this to get compliments on my looks or personality.  In fact, it is more of an open discussion on why we feel it is important to tell people that they are cute or have an awesome personality.  The fact is, I might not find a boyfriend or a partner, and quite frankly, I may end up single.  I had a date tonight who I thought was adorable, nice and smart.  He texted me and said 'we would be great friends'.  Can I fault him?  No. Do I want to? Yes.  Perhaps I was not what he was looking for, which is totally his prerogative, but I have to admit I am quite sick of people telling me that I will find someone "soon".

I have to admit, I still feel like Carrie Bradshaw and I hope that one day a Mr. Big will waltz into my life, but I have to say I will probably be less open about my dating life.  

Maybe I won't find someone.  And I think that we as friends should stop telling our friends that "they will find someone some day", when in actuality they might not.

I hope all my friends do end up happy, but it may not be in the cards for everyone.  

The Dating (Awkward) Game

I am not 100% crazy.   90%, sure.  But I swear there is some semblance or sanity that still lives in my head.  But when it comes to relationships, or dating/making out in general, you could basically call me Corky from Life Goes On and call it a day.  I am an absolute moron when it comes to pretending I know things about the (in my case) same sex.  I am more equipped to re-build a carburetor than date an actual human male, which is sadly saying a lot.

Here is the thing.  I find myself attractive.  It may be the 4 vodka cocktails I usually have before writing blogs of this sort, or it may be the fact that I am narcissistic beyond words, but I think my face is pretty adorable.  And my personality is hilar-balls.  Yes, it is true.  Where I am lacking is my body.  I belong to an expensive gym (mostly to meet rich male suitors), but let's be honest, I rarely go.  I make excuses by saying I work a lot and I take clients out a lot, so I have no time to go, but let us be honest, I am just lazy.  There are a couple of things I would like to address.  They are little gems of wisdom that make NO sense to me and I need help deciphering.

1.  I claim I am fat. A lot.  I know that is completely ridiculous.  I am not fat by any means.  I am almost skinny in some circles.  But in what is called 'gay world', I am shamu.  Nearly all my friends are straight, and they will never understand, but the fact is that in gay world, I am fat.  Here is the curious thing.  All my friends call me skinny and tell me I look good, but one has to question if they are being nice or serious.  I think there is a world where there is never a way to possibly know whether your friends are being honest or nice.  And if they are being honest, are we ever really able to truly believe them?

2.  Dating.  I belong to many websites and crazy places to meet men.  I have been on weird dates, fun dates, crazy sexting relationships, etc, but I will never understand the male psyche.  I can meet someone online (or on an iPhone app), and have the best "relationship" with them.  But when it comes time to meet, they always bail.  Is it something I said?  Are they secretly in a relationship?  Either way, if you try and call them out on it, you come across as a complete psycho.  When is it appropriate to call out your online fake boyfriend on his bluff?  And when you do call them out, you either look like a desperate mess (no way to avoid that), or a weirdo.  Sometimes though, you just want to know why the person never called you or texted you for that date.  Is there ever an appropriate way to ask why someone never texted or called you? Or do you always need to leave it and feel like a psycho?

Anyway, that is all I guess.  I seem like a mega psycho, but in the reality of it all, I just want to know what it is people don't like about me (or to my million followers, you) in general.  It is not that I am a complete psycho, it it just that I want to know, in all honestly, why you never call me after a fantastic date :)

AAAAANNNNND, scene ... 

Christmas for Myself

I know that Christmas is 2 months away, however, I had a wonderful idea that I was work-shopping in my head recently, and I thought perhaps I would blog about it and see if I could really bring it to fruition.  

Rewind:  My parents have always called me selfish and materialistic.  Fine, I admit it.  I like nice things.  I like name brands.  I think owning expensive things improves my self-worth.  Fine, I get it.  Not a great way to live my life, but hey, who doesn't want these things?  Anyway, as the years went on and everyone in my family was getting married and I was still single, I began to get even more materialistic and jealous around  Christmas.  Here is why:  

As my 3 siblings are all married, it gets rather expensive buying gifts for everyone.  I get it.  I live in NYC and I don't exactly have money lying around to buy gifts for everyone, including my parents and nieces.  A few years back, we went to the "Pick a Name out of a Hat" rule where you buy one gift for a sibling/sibling-in-law and spend up to $75.  Well, that is great - except when you are single.  And I know the spirit of Christmas is all about giving and not receiving, but whatever(!), this really just limits me to getting one gift.  My siblings are all buying gifts for their spouses, and vice-versa.  I, on the other hand, just get one gift.  Poor me you must be thinking!

Here is what I propose.  I would like to make a list of say, 20 things that I want for Christmas.  Then, I will give this list to my group of friends, along with $250 of my own money.  I will then ask that they pick a few items off my list and purchase them and wrap them for me.  Then, I will put these under my Christmas tree, and when Christmas comes, I will have more than 1 present to open.  And since they were bought off my list of 20 things, I technically won't know what I am getting!  What a surprise!

I think that this is a fantastic idea for anyone who is single out there and either a) feels slighted by their married siblings, or b) does not really have a family at all and really is gift-less at Christmas.  Thoughts, feelings, concerns? ...

Why, Oh Why, Button Fly??

What is the deal with button fly jeans?  Seriously.  Every pair of jeans that I seem to love and purchase as of late end up being button fly.  I need to ask myself, why would any designer make button fly over regular zipper jeans? 

You may say, aesthetically, button fly jeans look cool.  Well, while that may be true in theory, you cannot tell if a person is wearing button fly or zipper jeans when they are properly closed.  And let’s face it, 99.99% of people see us with our jeans buttoned or zipped. 

Also, one of the best things about being a guy is that we get to pee standing up.  And to go along with that, the best part about peeing while wearing pants, is that you can just pull your weenus out through your pant hole without unbuttoning the top button or undoing your belt.  Well, button fly jeans really ruin this.  Not only is it time consuming, it is also awkward at a bar when you have to undo your belt, and basically unbutton half your pants in order to relieve yourself, making the guy next to you think you are pulling some sort of Larry Craig.  And as I spend the majority of my time in straight bars, it is more awkward because most of the  guys there are not receptive to full frontal male nudity, sadly.

The only other reason I can think of to have button fly jeans is for weenus protection.  In case someone tries to give you a random handy at a bar.  I say, let the random hand jobs commence!  I am sure I would have gotten much more play at gay bars and on the subway had I not been wearing weenus armor (aka, a belt and button fly jeans).

So jean companies, I beg of you, please make cute, designer jeans that are zip fly instead of button fly.  It helps me pee easier and more quickly, and also opens me up to the opportunity of random weenus play.  

Logo's The A List - Or, to me, the FML List.

As if we needed another hot mess of a reality show.  And now we have one that is full of gay men.  That live in NYC.  And make me feel bad about being a gay man in the city.  FML.

So, from what I understand, this is basically like a Real Housewives of with tons of drama and half naked man candy.  And from the look of the picture of 2 of the cast members on the left (one of them being hottie mchotterton Reichen), I am already in deep depression/starvation mode.  Check out the preview here.


I really did not need another show reminding me of my meager earnings here in fabulous New York.  And then, to top it all off, the fabulous and rich cast members of this show happen to all be gorgeous with perfect bodies (well, there is one fatty thank god).  Rich and gorgeous?  How can I compete?  I am really glad I have gotten so busy I am basically paying my gym $175 per month to pretend I am working out.  This immediately needs to change.  Equinox, get ready for me to come 2 times a week!


Regardless of the fact that the men on this show make me feel fat and insecure, you better believe that I am going to watch every minute of this gay mess.  And from the preview, they are frolicking on yachts and playing in the Hampton's, which has been my dream since I have been here in New York.  Hey, maybe I will even get pointers from the gold digging gay guy on the show. 

Will you watch?

Much like the little girl in this photo, I have been wronged by an Indian Giver.  Let me break it down for you.

I started 'dating' this 23 year old a couple of months ago, and right off the bat he took our relationship way too seriously.  I should have known that this was going to be a stage 5 clinger when he brought a backpack full of clothes over to my apartment on our second date.  I was confused as to why he was moving clothes in on our second date - I mean, we aren't lesbians.  

On our 3rd date, he proceeded to get drunk (which I respect), but then he told me that he loved me (which I do not respect).  I should have probably ended it there and broken his young, inexperienced heart.  He would move on.  Besides being a little clingy, he was cute and smart and had good intentions.  However, I decided to continue seeing him in hopes that he was just nervous and new at dating and didn't really know how to act.

Throughout our 'relationship', he bought things for my apartment.  I did not ask for these things.  I would come home one day to find a microwave sitting at my door, or another day to find a box full of other kitchen accoutrements.  Again, he was being sweet and buying me things that he thought I would find useful.  Then one day he came over to my apartment with an Air Conditioning unit for my window.  He said it was too hot in my apartment and I needed it.  I was planning on buying one anyway because summer was upon us, and in fact, it was hot in my apartment.  I started to write him a check for the things he had purchased me, but he declined and said 'don't worry about it'.

Now, we continued to 'date' for a few more weeks when I realized that we weren't going to work out.  I felt bad for the kid, but I didn't want to prolong the relationship if I didn't see it going anywhere.  We parted amicably and vowed to remain friends.


He invited me out a week later to have dinner with a couple of his friends.  Against my better judgment, I went on the basis that this was just friends and that it meant nothing more to me.  Well, the kid proceeded to get drunk and tell me he missed me and wanted to know why I didn't like him.  The whole situation was awkward in front of his friends and made me very uncomfortable.  I told him we were never going to get back together.

I guess that irked him, because after that he became quite a psycho.  He had left a couple of things at my apartment (a hoodie, a shirt and a couple of pairs of shoes) that I promised to pack up for him.  He started texting me that if I didn't respond to him and return his stuff he was going to call the police on me (which clearly makes no sense.  I mean dude, a hoodie!).  I decided to pack his things up and leave them with my doorman for him to pick up so I didn't have to deal with seeing him.  However, since that day, he has texted and e-mailed me multiple times demanding a check back for the things he bought me while we were dating.  Now, I did not ask for him to purchase me these things.  So I am thinking, what the hell dude?

I decide to ignore his texts and e-mails so he gets the hint that I do not want to talk to him and he is not getting a check from me.  What kind of person buys someone presents, refuses to take a check when offered, and then when is broken up with, harasses you for money.  Was I dating a loan shark? 

Anyway, what is the proper etiquette when this happens?  Do I suck it up, go against what I think is right and give him a check?  Or do I continue to ignore him, pray I don't get stalked by him, and stick with my principles?

I vow this - I will never date someone that is younger than me again.  I need to be the immature crazy one, and babysitting a potential boyfriend is not something I am in the market for ...

Hot Boys (brothers?) of Summer

Is it just me, or do Landon Donovon, USA soccer stud, and Andy Roddick, USA tennis stud look extremely similar?  I mean, the similarity is crazy to me.  They could be brothers, or at least cousins.  

I have been obsessed with Andy Roddick for many years now, and I have always wanted him to come out of the closet and declare his love for men – especially, this man (points fingers at myself).  As a former tennis phenom, I have been following tennis for years which is where my love for Andy Roddick developed.  So, as Andy continues his quest for his first Wimbledon title over the next two weeks, I happily get to see my lover all over my giant TV.

Also, with World Cup in full swing, my attention has turned to gorgeous soccer player boys with sick bodies.  And the US team has a few choice hotties on the team.  Landon is one of them, but we also have a few others that make my mouth water and me wonder why the US does not follow soccer more closely.  Ladies and gays, start paying attention.  And for some odd reason, they all take their shirts off after the game and hug.  Yummy!

Anyway, does anyone else see the resemblance between Landon and Andy?  I believe they are both married, but if they want to explore their sexuality with yours truly – perhaps at the same time – I would be more than willing to do my patriotic duty and support these gifted US athletes.  I will let you know when they both reach out to me following this post …

What's Your Name Again?

There are many awkward things in life.  Trust me, I would know.  I am super awkward 90% of the time.  However, I think there is nothing more awkward than hooking up with someone and not knowing their name.  Now listen, I know people define hooking up as having sex, but for me, when I say hooking up, I most likely just mean making out.  After all, I am a lady!  And I would not do such things before I was married – which can happen for me in I believe 5 states.  Anyway, in the past couple of weeks, I have hooked up a few times.  And, blame it on the alcohol (which I so often do), but of the 3 people I have made out with in the past 10 days, I cannot remember 2 of their names.

Now this is very problematic for me you see.  The first guy I met on Grindr, which is an iPhone application that literally tells you where the nearest gay guy is.  I was in a cab on my way home from a debaucherous evening out with my friend and her MOM, when I guess I somehow managed to get on Grindr, meet a guy, and go to his apartment.  I don’t remember much about that night, although the next morning he did tell me that I asked him not to murder me.  You know me, always safe!  Herein lies the problem.  The dude was hot.  And from the looks of his apartment, rich.  And I want to see him again.  However, we have been exchanging texts and I have NO idea what his name is.  I tried to trick him in to telling me by saying ‘by the way, my name is Craig in case you forgot’, but that did not work on him.  He just responded, ‘I know, I have a great memory’.  Nards!  I also tried having my friend call his number and listen to his voicemail, but he is French, and she couldn’t quite make it out.  Double nards!

Next, I brought someone home with me this past Saturday, and I have no recollection his name.  Now, this guy is really into me and texts me 40 times per day.  First of all, red flag.  I need someone that I can chase.  I hate desperation and I don’t want someone that into me.  I mean, I do, but give me a little space.  The problem is, he wants to go out to dinner and again, I do not know his name or anything.  I cannot even do a Facebook stalk to remind me what he looks like.  When he left my apartment Sunday morning I was so hungover and I could not open my eyes.  All I could do was mumble my phone number to him and roll back over and sleep until 3:45 in the afternoon.  I guess that is what you get for eating 2 eggs for breakfast, and then drinking all day starting at 10am for World Cup, and staying out until 5am.  I am not in college anymore sadly, and the hangovers are beginning to hurt.

Does anyone have any other tricks as to how to figure out someone’s name once you have hooked up with them?  I mean, that is one giant slap in the face to not know someone’s name after you may or may not have had sexy times with them.  Thoughts?

Becoming a desired gay ...

I have decided that after years of talking about how I want a muscular body, and wondering why I didn't just wake up with the body of an Adonis, I should probably bite the bullet and join a gym.  The sad thing is, gyms in NYC are not cheap.  In Atlanta, I thought I was paying an insane amount of money to go to LA Fitness, which was one of the nicer gyms in the city.  It cost me $35 a month.  And since I never went, I didn't feel so bad about throwing $35 out every month.

The thing is, here in NYC, if you want to go to a decent gym, you are going to have to fork over at least $75 per month, and that gym will be over crowded and smell and I honestly have no desire to go there.  So, in typical gay fashion where we tend to live above our means, I decided if I was going to join a gym, I might as well join one of the nicest ones in the city.  The way I think of it is as an investment.  There are two results of this investment.  I will obtain a hot body which will attract men from all around to gawk at a body that will finally match my adorable face.  Also, since the gym is really expensive, I might find a rich boyfriend while at the gym.

The great thing about my gym, Equinox, is that 90% of the people there are hot.  And almost no one is fat.  It is really inspiring and it makes me want to be there and work my butt off to get muscles like everyone else.  The sad part is, I have no idea how to lift weights and I usually stumble around aimlessly pretending to work out while stressing out that people are watching me and thinking I am a moron.  And they would be right.

So here is my question.  Would you rather go to a gym where everyone is pretty and has better bodies than you, or belong to a gym where everyone is out of shape and you are the one everyone aspires to be?  I would say the first, because it inspires me to work out and become one of the elite.  

Check back with me in a month and hopefully I will have some type of muscle developing.  If not, I am going to be seriously depressed.

Big Technology Debut Today ...

No, not the iPhone 4 stupid. The long anticipated fourth studio album from the genius that is Christina Aguilera. While many people were watching Steve Jobs debut the new iPhone to the public, I was sitting at work uncomfortably counting down the hours until I could get home to the most beautiful sight - a package. And not that kind of package, an actual package that contained, before you can buy it in stores, Christina Aguilera's newest album Bionic.

I am on track 14 of 23 and I can already say that this album is awesome. I mean, I am obviously super biased because Christina could stab me in the neck and I would still think she was God.

But from what I have heard thus far, this album rocks my face off and her voice is as brilliant and beautiful as ever. Go out and buy it tomorrow, because I do not let people burn Christina Aguilera albums from me. Go out and support my sweet baby girl.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go back to crying tears of joy, alone in my apartment while listening to this magical album. Let me know what you think when you buy the album, which you are all going to go out and buy tomorrow. Just remember, that I am a super fan and got her album first. Christina, why won't you call me to hang out? I'm waiting ...

2 of my favorite messes ...

The season finale of the Real Housewives of New York was on last night, and thankfully I had so much work to do, I was forced to stay in and watch the train wreck come to an incredible season finale. My two favorite train wrecks on the show are Luann and Kelly.

First off, has anyone seen the official video for Luann's 'song' Money Can't Buy You Class? Or are your ears still bleeding from hearing it and you are too nervous to watch the video for fear of losing not only your hearing, but also your sight? If you dare, click here. Here is a list of things that money can buy you, and money cannot buy you:

Money Can Buy you ...

1. A record deal. We have all witnessed this with Kim Zolciak, the hottest, wig wearin' mess from my home of ATL. And now Luann.
2. Very hot models for your debut music video.
3. A great makeup artist and hair stylist for your video.

Money Cannot Buy you ...

1. A good beat for your song.
2. Autotune in a good studio because you sound awful even in a studio.
3. Lip syncing lessons because when you performed 'live' at your CD release party, the mic was about 5 feet from your mouth the whole time and you were smiling.
4. Acting lessons for your video because you are obviously super awkward (takes one to know one right?).

Also, she talks about class as she is rolling around, writhing on a bed with half naked men. While that is my dream, I do not believe it is classy.

And now on to the hottest mess on television. One Kelly Bensimon. If you have watched any of the episodes of the Real Housewives, you know that she is a complete social liability, and is definitely a candidate for the Dean of CBU (aka, Crazy Bitch University). If you saw her melt down in the Bahamas, it was classic TV and made me super giddy. But the kicker came in the season finale. Each 'Housewife' was presumably allowed to come up with their own 'blurb' that concluded the season. Kelly's was something like 'Kelly still believes in devoting her life to lollipops, unicorns and rainbows...'

I mean, is this bitch for real??? Can someone please introduce me to her because I know whatever she is on is incredible and I need to be prescribed it/given a map in Mexico as to where to find it!

Here is to hoping that the ladies all return for a fourth season because these crazies are definitely my guilty pleasure.

Ghost's of Bad Dates Past ...

Going on dates can be quite stressful and tiresome. But if I am ever going to end up the future Mr. Ricky Martin, I need to weed through the dating pool before I am finally set up with Ricky. That way my skills are honed and I don't F it up.

We all know there are those dates that you can tell are bad and are not going to work out right from the start. Those suck, but you get over those, and move on. But then there are those dates that you go on and you think went really well, but you never hear from the person again. You reach out via text or Facebook and yet, the person never contacts you again. This has happened to me way too many times to count, and I am beginning to think that I might be a bad date.

Now is it just me, or have you ever wanted to get in touch with anyone you wanted to go on a second or third date with and find out why it didn't happen. Why didn't they want to see you again. Did they not find you sexually attractive? Did they hate your personality? Did they think you were a moron? Clearly, none of those questions could be true about me ... or, could they?

I have put together a short list as to why people may not have wanted to go on a second date with me.

1. I talk a lot. I admit it. Especially when I am nervous. So sometimes I tend to dominate the conversation and that could be a turn off.
2. They may have seen me out and about wearing a head lamp at a bar (see above picture).
3. I am not the typical gay guy. I don't have great fashion and I don't go clubbing or belong to a gym. I like sports and beer, but I am not fat and I don't want to date a fatty.
4. I am painfully awkward in social situations where I am uncomfortable.
5. I have tiny moobs - most likely from not working out and the McFlurry obsession I have from the McDonalds on my block when I am drunk at 2 am.
6. I don't have perfect teeth. My parents wanted to give me braces, but I was in High School, a nerd, and I was in theatre. I did not need braces ruining my life even more. Stupid mistake.

That is really all I can think of for now. I think if people were brutally honest and just told you what they didn't like about you, we as a society could fix ourselves. So next time you are on a date with someone wearing jean shorts, tell them they are undateable until the stop wearing those. Trust me, it will maybe make their next date go that much better.

Vending Machine Atrocities

Is it just me, or are vending machines the most awkward things ever? I would say I rarely get anything out of vending machines. Mostly because almost everything in there is super unhealthy, or it is soda, which I do not drink. But there are a few times when I have found myself searching my desk for change in a sudden collapse of will power.

But have you ever noticed the behavior that happens around a vending machine? People suddenly feel the need to verbalize every decision and start rambling incoherently. The only way to feel decent about yourself while at a vending machine is if no one sees the transaction.

Have you noticed that? As your coworker is pulling a bag of chips out of the vending machine, she says "Umm, wow. My lunch was so small, I just umm, needed a snack to go with it". Or, "I haven't eaten all day. I am so hungry. I normally wouldn't eat this crap". Yea right fat ass. You are at that vending machine 3 times a day. I've seen your keyboard - Orange from the cheetos coloration that your fingers have sustained after years of vending machine abuse.

Regardless of what you are getting out of that vending machine, I cannot help but look down upon you. And the few times I have caved and gotten vending machine items, I feel like people are judging me as well. Which you should. When is the last time you saw someone getting an apple of out a vending machine? Exactly.

Atrocious Male Behavior

So, granted, I cannot find a suitable boyfriend, and the last time I "went all the way" I believe Reagan was in the White House, but I need to talk about some things that are absolutely atrocious. I have comprised a list of things that are completely unacceptable for men. If you run into a man who does commit one of these faux pas, please, for all of our sakes, yell at them and do not date them.

1. Man Jewelry. This is by far the biggest turn off ever. Who told men that it was acceptable to wear jewelry? When I see a man wearing a gold chain it enrages me so much. Men, this is not an acceptable or an attractive look. And unless you are a rap star, please do not wear an earring. Wait, scratch that, even if you are a rap star, please do not wear earrings. And don't get me started on class rings. It is 2009. Please put your 1998 class ring in a Cash for Gold envelope and send it away. I am actually angry that you ordered one in the first place. The only acceptable pieces of man jewelry are watches and wedding rings.

2. Mandals. I am not talking about flip flops, but actual black leather man sandals. They make you look like a complete douche. Either wear flip flops (preferably Rainbows) or shoes please. Do not try and dress up a nice outfit with black mandals. I might throw up on them.

3. Ponytails/Scrunchies. You are not Amy Grant and this is not 1994. Hey guess what? When you have a nice haircut, you actually look a LOT cuter. I don't know many people who want to see you washing your long hair, then blow drying it, and finally putting it up in a velvet scrunchie. I may not be the most manly person in the world, but I am pretty sure you just became more of a gay guy than I will ever be after a display like that. Please, keep your hair tidy.

4. Murses (the Man Purse). Listen. I know we all need to carry things around. But if you are a dude, you do not need to carry a murse. If you cannot fit it into your pocket, either you don't need it, or you are going to have to live without it. I can fit the following things in my jeans while going out, and if you need more than this, just call yourself a woman and chop off your balls: Keys, chap stick, wallet, camera, iPod, cell phone. All of those things fit in a pair of pants or shorts. And if you do make the awful choice to wear Cargo pants or shorts, you have more options for storage. So yea, murses need to go.

I mean, all signs point to the fact that I am going to fall madly in love with a guy who wears tons of jewelry, has a ponytail and carries a murse that matches his mandals - but until then, I will continue to make fun of you (probably to your face - but definitely behind your back) if I see you committing any of these faux pas.

Traffic

When I moved to NYC I was excited for many reasons. One of the best and most exciting reasons was the realization that I would never have to drive anywhere again. While I absolutely love driving, I would no longer worry about getting a DUI, paying obscene gas prices, and best of all, I would no longer be in traffic! Traffic in Atlanta is some of the worst in the US, so if you have ever been, or if you have ever been in any type of highway gridlock, you know what I am talking about.

Turns out, I was wrong! While I am no longer in a car and sitting on the highway going 5 miles per hour, I am in a city where walking traffic is a serious problem. With millions of people, nearly all on foot, crowding the sidewalk, there is just as much stress walking down the sidewalk as there is while driving a car. Let me lay out some similarities for you:

The Jogger/Runner: Similar to the sports car on the road, these people wear sporty little outfits, move extremely fast and weave in and out of traffic with reckless abandon. They feel superior to everyone with their sleek bodies and fast moves. And just like a sports car, their bodies are something I will most likely never attain.

The Tourist: Much like drivers who are confused where they are going on the road, tourists change directions and stop dead in their tracks with no social awareness as to what is going on around them. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have barreled into someone on the street because they stopped to look up at all the lights. These people, much like their driving counterparts, need to do research before heading out into the world.

The Homeless Person: This guy is passed out on the street. It is much like the stalled car on the highway. You feel bad, but not bad enough to stop and help. Then after you walk by you feel guilty for leaving the person out in the rain, alone.

The Slow Walker: Normally an elderly person, this is just like the slow driver in traffic. You desperately try and pass them but often times you cannot because there are people in other walking lanes. This walker is very frustrating and normally is in front of you when you are running late.

The "Cannot Walk in a Straight Line": You know the driver that switches lanes with no thought and no rationale? Yea, this person cannot seem to figure out how to walk a straight line. They walk from one side of the sidewalk to the other. This person is also particularly tricky to pass because you have no idea when they are going to make a sharp movement and create a walking accident.

While I am sure there are other similarities, let me leave you with one last thought. At least while you are driving you are all (hopefully) going in the SAME direction. When you are walking, you have to deal with oncoming traffic as well. It is like you are playing that game chicken. (Remember in Footloose when they did it on tractors? Classic). It's like, who is going to move out of the way first? It is very stressful. Anyway, yea, so gridlock is a bitch, but so is walking.

Single in the City ...

Being single sucks. When people tell you that they are happy being single and are enjoying going out and not being tied down, they are lying. I have estimated that we spend approximately 50% of our conversations talking about boys or girls we like. Whether seeing someone hot on the street, talking about the work hottie you have a crush on, or secretly thinking the homeless man who begs you for quarters is cute, thinking about sex and dating is a constant no matter what people want to admit.

Now, being single not only sucks, it is quite the cruel twist of fate. I have clearly given this a lot of thought as I have pretty much been single my entire life. My last legitimate boyfriend and I broke up when I was 21. I am now 27. I am either completely undateable or ridiculously picky. Let's go with the latter.

The cruel twist of fate comes in many forms. When you are dating someone, you have more sex. Now I know people in relationships say that it slows down after you have been dating for a while, however, you at least always have the option. I would say, for the most part, my chances of having sex during the week are at 28.5%. If I go out to the bars twice a week, that is where I get that percentage. On a normal night, when I am not going out, I work all day, and go home. There is really no way that I am going to get laid unless alcohol is involved. What a cruel twist of fate!

When you have a significant other, you also spend a considerable less amount of money. Now, people in relationships are going to argue this point, but I will refute your arguments here. When you are single, you tend to go out a bit more. When I had a boyfriend - granted, it was eons ago - I was completely happy staying in on a Friday night watching a movie, eating in and getting it on. But now, when the weekend rolls around, I need to be out and about and on the hunt. I end up going to dinner and drinks, and then bar hopping around the city with friends looking for a man. With New York's ridiculous prices, a night out could set you back $150. Sitting at home with your boyfriend maybe costs $20. What a cruel twist of fate!

And along the lines of spending less money, when you are dating/married/partnered with someone, you tend to live together in the same apartment, while we single shmucks sit around and pay ridiculous rents by ourselves. In New York, people tend to move in together much more quickly for that very reason. You could cut your rent nearly in half if you moved in with someone you were with, while I am paying an arm and a leg to live with roommates and spend my nights alone with my a bottle of lube and my left hand. What a cruel twist of fate!

So, the next time you see someone single, be nice to them. They are probably broke and extremely horny. Let them sit down on the subway. Buy them a shot. Hold the door open for them. They need it more than you, you happy, oblivious person in a relationship.

If She Can Make It, So Can I ...

Seriously? Is this real? Real "Housewife" of Atlanta Kim Zolciak has released a single that is sure to begin playing at every gay bar in the country. (Side note - Am I taking Crazy Pills, or are half of the "ladies" of the Real Housewives of Atlanta single? Is it just me or does the word housewife not come with actually having a husband? Also, being from Atlanta, it makes me angry that none of the women actually live IN Atlanta. They all live in suburbs. And why are they all getting their homes foreclosed? Atlanta is not that bunk ladies and gentleman).

Anyway, thanks to my good friend Carrie Clark for giving me the heads up on this single. And as she put it, this just proves that a sound editor and a producer can make anyone sound good. Kim must have hired the same guy who has produced all of Britney Spears' albums. Maybe Kim and Britney should go on an acapella singing tour of the country and we can decide who has a more terrible voice.

Also, can we please talk about the title of the song? Tardy for the Party? That sounds like something that Miley Cyrus would sing (pre poll dancing/stripping on the internet Miley). It quite possibly might be the worst title of a song I have ever heard. I want to throw up all over it. Let me know what you think of the song. Listen here. The sad thing is, it is kind of catchy. Anything with a good beat and techno music makes my little gay body want to dance. Cut to me this weekend drunkenly dancing to this song at the local gay bar trying miserably, and with no luck, to seduce some unsuspecting bar patron. Story of my life ... story of my life.