Facebook Post Hell

There have been countless articles about Facebook posts that are annoying and over the top.  In fact, I may have posted about this once before, but I feel like no one is learning and I again need to go over a few that really do annoy me.  As I previously thought or mentioned, I really only care about hilarious things that have happened to you, other people’s misfortunes, or pictures you are posting of me.  Mildly acceptable are vacation photos of yourself that you are posting, because as I sit in my tiny cubicle at work, seeing you traipsing through Asia on an Elephant while your monkey tour guide feeds you bananas really does pass the time and helps me imagine myself doing the same one day.  Also, I travel a lot, and I post pictures of myself that I am hoping make everyone jealous.

Among the many atrocities that occur on Facebook every second, there are a few that really irk me.  Here goes:

Taking Pictures of Food:  Listen, I love tacos. I really do. Mmm tacos! But just because you made tacos doesn't mean you have to take a picture and Facebook about it. Unless you are planning on sending me said tacos, I really don't care. And for that matter, it's not that hard to make tacos. I believe Helen Keller even made tacos once. Don’t quote me on that, but I’m going to say she did. And now I am hungry. Thanks a lot.

Over sharing about your child: In my early 20’s, I have to admit, I hated kids. What a nuisance!  Then, my sisters began procreating, and I started liking kids … but only the ones who were related to me.  Recently, as I near 30 and all my friends are getting married, I realize that kids are soon to be an inevitable part of all my friends’ lives.  But I really do not need to know that your baby has had horrible diarrhea lately, or that they have stopped breast feeding from you and that makes you sad. (Yes, those are legit status messages I have seen on my news feed.)  And guess what, most people don’t want to know that either.  And to those of you who DO care, I believe I stopped breast feeding in April of 1983.  Please contact Judy Miller to confirm.  I know your life is complete now. Congrats.  (Acceptable forms of kid sharing – hilarious adorable pictures of them dressed up in ridiculous costumes or if they have some insane Mozart like talent and begin composing and playing music at age 3.)

I have exciting news … But you are going to have to wait:  Have you seen these people?  They write things that allude to some sort of great thing that happened in their lives, or they are super excited about something coming up, but won’t tell you what it is.  These people are fishing for comments.  Look, I knew you in 7^th grade and you somehow became one of my friends on Facebook.  I probably haven’t spoken to you in 15 years and I will probably never speak to you in person ever again. While I do love stalking people and knowing what they are up to, playing these games where you try to entice me to guess what event you are secretly keeping from your entire Facebook list is just dumb.  Just tell me. I probably don’t care that you got a new mattress or that the fertilizer you started using to help make your begonias grow is working so well you have begonias for all your neighbors.  But I care even less when you drag it out like a bad mini-series.

I am sure there are more and I am sure a lot of people get annoyed with my constant Facebook posts about how awesome and cute I am, or how I was bitch slapped in my own hotel room while on a business trip in Chattanooga in 2006, but at least they make people laugh.  And hopefully, they make you want my life (or be happy that you DON’T have my life – which I presume is the more likely version). Discuss.

Ahh, dating ...

I haven't blogged in a while.  I am not totally sure why but there are reasons.  I mean, I am quite busy.  My fragrance line is launching soon.  My book deal is happening.  And I happen to be starring in a Nigerian sitcom that is yet to be named.  Sue me for having a life.

But there is definitely something that I need to get off my chest.  I go to a lot of weddings.  Legitimately, I average 9 weddings a year.  I find that fantastic (except for the whole flying to, paying for hotel rooms and gifts [which my friends these days rarely get], and other accoutrements of weddings)!  I love all my friends and I am seriously more than thrilled that they have found partners to spend their life with!  However, my dating life is less than thrilling.

I find myself intelligent.  I have given myself IQ tests and I know it is much higher than most Americans.  I also find myself quite attractive.  I am not sure if it is because I have looked at my mug in the mirror the past 29 years, but I think there is something more attractive than the typical human being.  Conceited?  Probably. Do i care? No.

Here is my commentary on the previous:  Almost all of my friends have told me that I am nice, smart and attractive.  They often question me saying "how is it possible you are single?"  Or, "you are so cute, you will find someone some day".  I must admit, this is heady, enjoyable conversation.  But do my friends really mean it?  We have all told people that they are cute, in shape or nice because it was the right thing to do.  Don't lie to yourself.  You know you have done that.  My question is, can you ever be 100% sure that your friends are telling you the truth?

This is a strange article to write because most people will think I am writing this to get compliments on my looks or personality.  In fact, it is more of an open discussion on why we feel it is important to tell people that they are cute or have an awesome personality.  The fact is, I might not find a boyfriend or a partner, and quite frankly, I may end up single.  I had a date tonight who I thought was adorable, nice and smart.  He texted me and said 'we would be great friends'.  Can I fault him?  No. Do I want to? Yes.  Perhaps I was not what he was looking for, which is totally his prerogative, but I have to admit I am quite sick of people telling me that I will find someone "soon".

I have to admit, I still feel like Carrie Bradshaw and I hope that one day a Mr. Big will waltz into my life, but I have to say I will probably be less open about my dating life.  

Maybe I won't find someone.  And I think that we as friends should stop telling our friends that "they will find someone some day", when in actuality they might not.

I hope all my friends do end up happy, but it may not be in the cards for everyone.  

The Dating (Awkward) Game

I am not 100% crazy.   90%, sure.  But I swear there is some semblance or sanity that still lives in my head.  But when it comes to relationships, or dating/making out in general, you could basically call me Corky from Life Goes On and call it a day.  I am an absolute moron when it comes to pretending I know things about the (in my case) same sex.  I am more equipped to re-build a carburetor than date an actual human male, which is sadly saying a lot.

Here is the thing.  I find myself attractive.  It may be the 4 vodka cocktails I usually have before writing blogs of this sort, or it may be the fact that I am narcissistic beyond words, but I think my face is pretty adorable.  And my personality is hilar-balls.  Yes, it is true.  Where I am lacking is my body.  I belong to an expensive gym (mostly to meet rich male suitors), but let's be honest, I rarely go.  I make excuses by saying I work a lot and I take clients out a lot, so I have no time to go, but let us be honest, I am just lazy.  There are a couple of things I would like to address.  They are little gems of wisdom that make NO sense to me and I need help deciphering.

1.  I claim I am fat. A lot.  I know that is completely ridiculous.  I am not fat by any means.  I am almost skinny in some circles.  But in what is called 'gay world', I am shamu.  Nearly all my friends are straight, and they will never understand, but the fact is that in gay world, I am fat.  Here is the curious thing.  All my friends call me skinny and tell me I look good, but one has to question if they are being nice or serious.  I think there is a world where there is never a way to possibly know whether your friends are being honest or nice.  And if they are being honest, are we ever really able to truly believe them?

2.  Dating.  I belong to many websites and crazy places to meet men.  I have been on weird dates, fun dates, crazy sexting relationships, etc, but I will never understand the male psyche.  I can meet someone online (or on an iPhone app), and have the best "relationship" with them.  But when it comes time to meet, they always bail.  Is it something I said?  Are they secretly in a relationship?  Either way, if you try and call them out on it, you come across as a complete psycho.  When is it appropriate to call out your online fake boyfriend on his bluff?  And when you do call them out, you either look like a desperate mess (no way to avoid that), or a weirdo.  Sometimes though, you just want to know why the person never called you or texted you for that date.  Is there ever an appropriate way to ask why someone never texted or called you? Or do you always need to leave it and feel like a psycho?

Anyway, that is all I guess.  I seem like a mega psycho, but in the reality of it all, I just want to know what it is people don't like about me (or to my million followers, you) in general.  It is not that I am a complete psycho, it it just that I want to know, in all honestly, why you never call me after a fantastic date :)

AAAAANNNNND, scene ... 

Christmas for Myself

I know that Christmas is 2 months away, however, I had a wonderful idea that I was work-shopping in my head recently, and I thought perhaps I would blog about it and see if I could really bring it to fruition.  

Rewind:  My parents have always called me selfish and materialistic.  Fine, I admit it.  I like nice things.  I like name brands.  I think owning expensive things improves my self-worth.  Fine, I get it.  Not a great way to live my life, but hey, who doesn't want these things?  Anyway, as the years went on and everyone in my family was getting married and I was still single, I began to get even more materialistic and jealous around  Christmas.  Here is why:  

As my 3 siblings are all married, it gets rather expensive buying gifts for everyone.  I get it.  I live in NYC and I don't exactly have money lying around to buy gifts for everyone, including my parents and nieces.  A few years back, we went to the "Pick a Name out of a Hat" rule where you buy one gift for a sibling/sibling-in-law and spend up to $75.  Well, that is great - except when you are single.  And I know the spirit of Christmas is all about giving and not receiving, but whatever(!), this really just limits me to getting one gift.  My siblings are all buying gifts for their spouses, and vice-versa.  I, on the other hand, just get one gift.  Poor me you must be thinking!

Here is what I propose.  I would like to make a list of say, 20 things that I want for Christmas.  Then, I will give this list to my group of friends, along with $250 of my own money.  I will then ask that they pick a few items off my list and purchase them and wrap them for me.  Then, I will put these under my Christmas tree, and when Christmas comes, I will have more than 1 present to open.  And since they were bought off my list of 20 things, I technically won't know what I am getting!  What a surprise!

I think that this is a fantastic idea for anyone who is single out there and either a) feels slighted by their married siblings, or b) does not really have a family at all and really is gift-less at Christmas.  Thoughts, feelings, concerns? ...

Why, Oh Why, Button Fly??

What is the deal with button fly jeans?  Seriously.  Every pair of jeans that I seem to love and purchase as of late end up being button fly.  I need to ask myself, why would any designer make button fly over regular zipper jeans? 

You may say, aesthetically, button fly jeans look cool.  Well, while that may be true in theory, you cannot tell if a person is wearing button fly or zipper jeans when they are properly closed.  And let’s face it, 99.99% of people see us with our jeans buttoned or zipped. 

Also, one of the best things about being a guy is that we get to pee standing up.  And to go along with that, the best part about peeing while wearing pants, is that you can just pull your weenus out through your pant hole without unbuttoning the top button or undoing your belt.  Well, button fly jeans really ruin this.  Not only is it time consuming, it is also awkward at a bar when you have to undo your belt, and basically unbutton half your pants in order to relieve yourself, making the guy next to you think you are pulling some sort of Larry Craig.  And as I spend the majority of my time in straight bars, it is more awkward because most of the  guys there are not receptive to full frontal male nudity, sadly.

The only other reason I can think of to have button fly jeans is for weenus protection.  In case someone tries to give you a random handy at a bar.  I say, let the random hand jobs commence!  I am sure I would have gotten much more play at gay bars and on the subway had I not been wearing weenus armor (aka, a belt and button fly jeans).

So jean companies, I beg of you, please make cute, designer jeans that are zip fly instead of button fly.  It helps me pee easier and more quickly, and also opens me up to the opportunity of random weenus play.  

Logo's The A List - Or, to me, the FML List.

As if we needed another hot mess of a reality show.  And now we have one that is full of gay men.  That live in NYC.  And make me feel bad about being a gay man in the city.  FML.

So, from what I understand, this is basically like a Real Housewives of with tons of drama and half naked man candy.  And from the look of the picture of 2 of the cast members on the left (one of them being hottie mchotterton Reichen), I am already in deep depression/starvation mode.  Check out the preview here.


I really did not need another show reminding me of my meager earnings here in fabulous New York.  And then, to top it all off, the fabulous and rich cast members of this show happen to all be gorgeous with perfect bodies (well, there is one fatty thank god).  Rich and gorgeous?  How can I compete?  I am really glad I have gotten so busy I am basically paying my gym $175 per month to pretend I am working out.  This immediately needs to change.  Equinox, get ready for me to come 2 times a week!


Regardless of the fact that the men on this show make me feel fat and insecure, you better believe that I am going to watch every minute of this gay mess.  And from the preview, they are frolicking on yachts and playing in the Hampton's, which has been my dream since I have been here in New York.  Hey, maybe I will even get pointers from the gold digging gay guy on the show. 

Will you watch?

Much like the little girl in this photo, I have been wronged by an Indian Giver.  Let me break it down for you.

I started 'dating' this 23 year old a couple of months ago, and right off the bat he took our relationship way too seriously.  I should have known that this was going to be a stage 5 clinger when he brought a backpack full of clothes over to my apartment on our second date.  I was confused as to why he was moving clothes in on our second date - I mean, we aren't lesbians.  

On our 3rd date, he proceeded to get drunk (which I respect), but then he told me that he loved me (which I do not respect).  I should have probably ended it there and broken his young, inexperienced heart.  He would move on.  Besides being a little clingy, he was cute and smart and had good intentions.  However, I decided to continue seeing him in hopes that he was just nervous and new at dating and didn't really know how to act.

Throughout our 'relationship', he bought things for my apartment.  I did not ask for these things.  I would come home one day to find a microwave sitting at my door, or another day to find a box full of other kitchen accoutrements.  Again, he was being sweet and buying me things that he thought I would find useful.  Then one day he came over to my apartment with an Air Conditioning unit for my window.  He said it was too hot in my apartment and I needed it.  I was planning on buying one anyway because summer was upon us, and in fact, it was hot in my apartment.  I started to write him a check for the things he had purchased me, but he declined and said 'don't worry about it'.

Now, we continued to 'date' for a few more weeks when I realized that we weren't going to work out.  I felt bad for the kid, but I didn't want to prolong the relationship if I didn't see it going anywhere.  We parted amicably and vowed to remain friends.


He invited me out a week later to have dinner with a couple of his friends.  Against my better judgment, I went on the basis that this was just friends and that it meant nothing more to me.  Well, the kid proceeded to get drunk and tell me he missed me and wanted to know why I didn't like him.  The whole situation was awkward in front of his friends and made me very uncomfortable.  I told him we were never going to get back together.

I guess that irked him, because after that he became quite a psycho.  He had left a couple of things at my apartment (a hoodie, a shirt and a couple of pairs of shoes) that I promised to pack up for him.  He started texting me that if I didn't respond to him and return his stuff he was going to call the police on me (which clearly makes no sense.  I mean dude, a hoodie!).  I decided to pack his things up and leave them with my doorman for him to pick up so I didn't have to deal with seeing him.  However, since that day, he has texted and e-mailed me multiple times demanding a check back for the things he bought me while we were dating.  Now, I did not ask for him to purchase me these things.  So I am thinking, what the hell dude?

I decide to ignore his texts and e-mails so he gets the hint that I do not want to talk to him and he is not getting a check from me.  What kind of person buys someone presents, refuses to take a check when offered, and then when is broken up with, harasses you for money.  Was I dating a loan shark? 

Anyway, what is the proper etiquette when this happens?  Do I suck it up, go against what I think is right and give him a check?  Or do I continue to ignore him, pray I don't get stalked by him, and stick with my principles?

I vow this - I will never date someone that is younger than me again.  I need to be the immature crazy one, and babysitting a potential boyfriend is not something I am in the market for ...