An Open Letter from my 21 year old self

Dear 29 year old Craig:  Dude, you’re 29.  I know you have an amazing job in NYC and are living in one of the greatest cities on the planet, but you need to start acting your age.  You are no longer me. You don’t have classes 3 days a week - starting no earlier than 3pm.  You have a job, where people, most likely respect you. You cannot go out until 5am and expect to feel good the next morning.  It just doesn’t happen.  

Also, while I am sure your hair still looks unbelievably good, you can’t just eat anything you want and expect to be 125 lbs.  Sure, I look like a diseased bird at this weight, but that X-Small stretch t-shirt that is normally fit for a child’s doll, looks awesome on me. Also, you need to start working out buddy.  At some point you are going to have something called Facebook that is going to be suggesting friends to you, and when you click on those “suggested friends”, they are going to be the hottest gay guys you have ever seen who have incredible bodies and will make you feel terrible.  So put down the beer and cheeseburger and get to the gym 4 hours a day like every other gay dude.

And while we are on the subject, can you please stop being obsessed with sports? Here is a little secret: most gays don’t understand sports and will look at you with puzzling glances when you say you are obsessed with football. Sure, they may laugh when you say the word ball (haha, ball), but that doesn’t mean they will understand or like the fact that you aren’t just watching the game to see men in tight clothes.  Oh yea, and those preppy outfits you are obsessed with, scratch those as well.  Gays don’t understand those and will expect you to only wear tank tops.  Buy one in every color. Oh, but don’t wear them unless you see my previous note about going to the gym. Tank tops are unforgiving.

Also, you should probably verse yourself on musicians that no other subset of American society has heard of, like Robyn or Kylie Minogue. They will oddly become staples of gay society and simply liking Christina Aguilera (a goddess of course) will not be enough to pass gay music tests. You will go out to bars and one of their songs will come on, and while everyone else is dancing in their tank tops, you will be standing alone, in your Brooks Brothers polo and seersucker shorts wondering why they aren't playing Rihanna. And oh yea, you will be watching every other person, who, in your opinion is seemingly less attractive but happens to be wearing a tank top, making out.

In conclusion, while I am happy you are making great money working for an awesome company and living in NYC, you need to get your shit together if you want to get laid and or married. 

Love, 21 year old you.

PS – There is this AMAZING thing called Botox that is readily available at this point in your life. Please take advantage of that. While most of your face still looks like a 25 year old, that giant wrinkle on your forehead says otherwise.

Facebook Post Hell

There have been countless articles about Facebook posts that are annoying and over the top.  In fact, I may have posted about this once before, but I feel like no one is learning and I again need to go over a few that really do annoy me.  As I previously thought or mentioned, I really only care about hilarious things that have happened to you, other people’s misfortunes, or pictures you are posting of me.  Mildly acceptable are vacation photos of yourself that you are posting, because as I sit in my tiny cubicle at work, seeing you traipsing through Asia on an Elephant while your monkey tour guide feeds you bananas really does pass the time and helps me imagine myself doing the same one day.  Also, I travel a lot, and I post pictures of myself that I am hoping make everyone jealous.

Among the many atrocities that occur on Facebook every second, there are a few that really irk me.  Here goes:

Taking Pictures of Food:  Listen, I love tacos. I really do. Mmm tacos! But just because you made tacos doesn't mean you have to take a picture and Facebook about it. Unless you are planning on sending me said tacos, I really don't care. And for that matter, it's not that hard to make tacos. I believe Helen Keller even made tacos once. Don’t quote me on that, but I’m going to say she did. And now I am hungry. Thanks a lot.

Over sharing about your child: In my early 20’s, I have to admit, I hated kids. What a nuisance!  Then, my sisters began procreating, and I started liking kids … but only the ones who were related to me.  Recently, as I near 30 and all my friends are getting married, I realize that kids are soon to be an inevitable part of all my friends’ lives.  But I really do not need to know that your baby has had horrible diarrhea lately, or that they have stopped breast feeding from you and that makes you sad. (Yes, those are legit status messages I have seen on my news feed.)  And guess what, most people don’t want to know that either.  And to those of you who DO care, I believe I stopped breast feeding in April of 1983.  Please contact Judy Miller to confirm.  I know your life is complete now. Congrats.  (Acceptable forms of kid sharing – hilarious adorable pictures of them dressed up in ridiculous costumes or if they have some insane Mozart like talent and begin composing and playing music at age 3.)

I have exciting news … But you are going to have to wait:  Have you seen these people?  They write things that allude to some sort of great thing that happened in their lives, or they are super excited about something coming up, but won’t tell you what it is.  These people are fishing for comments.  Look, I knew you in 7^th grade and you somehow became one of my friends on Facebook.  I probably haven’t spoken to you in 15 years and I will probably never speak to you in person ever again. While I do love stalking people and knowing what they are up to, playing these games where you try to entice me to guess what event you are secretly keeping from your entire Facebook list is just dumb.  Just tell me. I probably don’t care that you got a new mattress or that the fertilizer you started using to help make your begonias grow is working so well you have begonias for all your neighbors.  But I care even less when you drag it out like a bad mini-series.

I am sure there are more and I am sure a lot of people get annoyed with my constant Facebook posts about how awesome and cute I am, or how I was bitch slapped in my own hotel room while on a business trip in Chattanooga in 2006, but at least they make people laugh.  And hopefully, they make you want my life (or be happy that you DON’T have my life – which I presume is the more likely version). Discuss.

Ahh, dating ...

I haven't blogged in a while.  I am not totally sure why but there are reasons.  I mean, I am quite busy.  My fragrance line is launching soon.  My book deal is happening.  And I happen to be starring in a Nigerian sitcom that is yet to be named.  Sue me for having a life.

But there is definitely something that I need to get off my chest.  I go to a lot of weddings.  Legitimately, I average 9 weddings a year.  I find that fantastic (except for the whole flying to, paying for hotel rooms and gifts [which my friends these days rarely get], and other accoutrements of weddings)!  I love all my friends and I am seriously more than thrilled that they have found partners to spend their life with!  However, my dating life is less than thrilling.

I find myself intelligent.  I have given myself IQ tests and I know it is much higher than most Americans.  I also find myself quite attractive.  I am not sure if it is because I have looked at my mug in the mirror the past 29 years, but I think there is something more attractive than the typical human being.  Conceited?  Probably. Do i care? No.

Here is my commentary on the previous:  Almost all of my friends have told me that I am nice, smart and attractive.  They often question me saying "how is it possible you are single?"  Or, "you are so cute, you will find someone some day".  I must admit, this is heady, enjoyable conversation.  But do my friends really mean it?  We have all told people that they are cute, in shape or nice because it was the right thing to do.  Don't lie to yourself.  You know you have done that.  My question is, can you ever be 100% sure that your friends are telling you the truth?

This is a strange article to write because most people will think I am writing this to get compliments on my looks or personality.  In fact, it is more of an open discussion on why we feel it is important to tell people that they are cute or have an awesome personality.  The fact is, I might not find a boyfriend or a partner, and quite frankly, I may end up single.  I had a date tonight who I thought was adorable, nice and smart.  He texted me and said 'we would be great friends'.  Can I fault him?  No. Do I want to? Yes.  Perhaps I was not what he was looking for, which is totally his prerogative, but I have to admit I am quite sick of people telling me that I will find someone "soon".

I have to admit, I still feel like Carrie Bradshaw and I hope that one day a Mr. Big will waltz into my life, but I have to say I will probably be less open about my dating life.  

Maybe I won't find someone.  And I think that we as friends should stop telling our friends that "they will find someone some day", when in actuality they might not.

I hope all my friends do end up happy, but it may not be in the cards for everyone.  

The Dating (Awkward) Game

I am not 100% crazy.   90%, sure.  But I swear there is some semblance or sanity that still lives in my head.  But when it comes to relationships, or dating/making out in general, you could basically call me Corky from Life Goes On and call it a day.  I am an absolute moron when it comes to pretending I know things about the (in my case) same sex.  I am more equipped to re-build a carburetor than date an actual human male, which is sadly saying a lot.

Here is the thing.  I find myself attractive.  It may be the 4 vodka cocktails I usually have before writing blogs of this sort, or it may be the fact that I am narcissistic beyond words, but I think my face is pretty adorable.  And my personality is hilar-balls.  Yes, it is true.  Where I am lacking is my body.  I belong to an expensive gym (mostly to meet rich male suitors), but let's be honest, I rarely go.  I make excuses by saying I work a lot and I take clients out a lot, so I have no time to go, but let us be honest, I am just lazy.  There are a couple of things I would like to address.  They are little gems of wisdom that make NO sense to me and I need help deciphering.

1.  I claim I am fat. A lot.  I know that is completely ridiculous.  I am not fat by any means.  I am almost skinny in some circles.  But in what is called 'gay world', I am shamu.  Nearly all my friends are straight, and they will never understand, but the fact is that in gay world, I am fat.  Here is the curious thing.  All my friends call me skinny and tell me I look good, but one has to question if they are being nice or serious.  I think there is a world where there is never a way to possibly know whether your friends are being honest or nice.  And if they are being honest, are we ever really able to truly believe them?

2.  Dating.  I belong to many websites and crazy places to meet men.  I have been on weird dates, fun dates, crazy sexting relationships, etc, but I will never understand the male psyche.  I can meet someone online (or on an iPhone app), and have the best "relationship" with them.  But when it comes time to meet, they always bail.  Is it something I said?  Are they secretly in a relationship?  Either way, if you try and call them out on it, you come across as a complete psycho.  When is it appropriate to call out your online fake boyfriend on his bluff?  And when you do call them out, you either look like a desperate mess (no way to avoid that), or a weirdo.  Sometimes though, you just want to know why the person never called you or texted you for that date.  Is there ever an appropriate way to ask why someone never texted or called you? Or do you always need to leave it and feel like a psycho?

Anyway, that is all I guess.  I seem like a mega psycho, but in the reality of it all, I just want to know what it is people don't like about me (or to my million followers, you) in general.  It is not that I am a complete psycho, it it just that I want to know, in all honestly, why you never call me after a fantastic date :)

AAAAANNNNND, scene ...