Christmas for Myself

I know that Christmas is 2 months away, however, I had a wonderful idea that I was work-shopping in my head recently, and I thought perhaps I would blog about it and see if I could really bring it to fruition.  

Rewind:  My parents have always called me selfish and materialistic.  Fine, I admit it.  I like nice things.  I like name brands.  I think owning expensive things improves my self-worth.  Fine, I get it.  Not a great way to live my life, but hey, who doesn't want these things?  Anyway, as the years went on and everyone in my family was getting married and I was still single, I began to get even more materialistic and jealous around  Christmas.  Here is why:  

As my 3 siblings are all married, it gets rather expensive buying gifts for everyone.  I get it.  I live in NYC and I don't exactly have money lying around to buy gifts for everyone, including my parents and nieces.  A few years back, we went to the "Pick a Name out of a Hat" rule where you buy one gift for a sibling/sibling-in-law and spend up to $75.  Well, that is great - except when you are single.  And I know the spirit of Christmas is all about giving and not receiving, but whatever(!), this really just limits me to getting one gift.  My siblings are all buying gifts for their spouses, and vice-versa.  I, on the other hand, just get one gift.  Poor me you must be thinking!

Here is what I propose.  I would like to make a list of say, 20 things that I want for Christmas.  Then, I will give this list to my group of friends, along with $250 of my own money.  I will then ask that they pick a few items off my list and purchase them and wrap them for me.  Then, I will put these under my Christmas tree, and when Christmas comes, I will have more than 1 present to open.  And since they were bought off my list of 20 things, I technically won't know what I am getting!  What a surprise!

I think that this is a fantastic idea for anyone who is single out there and either a) feels slighted by their married siblings, or b) does not really have a family at all and really is gift-less at Christmas.  Thoughts, feelings, concerns? ...

Why, Oh Why, Button Fly??

What is the deal with button fly jeans?  Seriously.  Every pair of jeans that I seem to love and purchase as of late end up being button fly.  I need to ask myself, why would any designer make button fly over regular zipper jeans? 

You may say, aesthetically, button fly jeans look cool.  Well, while that may be true in theory, you cannot tell if a person is wearing button fly or zipper jeans when they are properly closed.  And let’s face it, 99.99% of people see us with our jeans buttoned or zipped. 

Also, one of the best things about being a guy is that we get to pee standing up.  And to go along with that, the best part about peeing while wearing pants, is that you can just pull your weenus out through your pant hole without unbuttoning the top button or undoing your belt.  Well, button fly jeans really ruin this.  Not only is it time consuming, it is also awkward at a bar when you have to undo your belt, and basically unbutton half your pants in order to relieve yourself, making the guy next to you think you are pulling some sort of Larry Craig.  And as I spend the majority of my time in straight bars, it is more awkward because most of the  guys there are not receptive to full frontal male nudity, sadly.

The only other reason I can think of to have button fly jeans is for weenus protection.  In case someone tries to give you a random handy at a bar.  I say, let the random hand jobs commence!  I am sure I would have gotten much more play at gay bars and on the subway had I not been wearing weenus armor (aka, a belt and button fly jeans).

So jean companies, I beg of you, please make cute, designer jeans that are zip fly instead of button fly.  It helps me pee easier and more quickly, and also opens me up to the opportunity of random weenus play.  

Logo's The A List - Or, to me, the FML List.

As if we needed another hot mess of a reality show.  And now we have one that is full of gay men.  That live in NYC.  And make me feel bad about being a gay man in the city.  FML.

So, from what I understand, this is basically like a Real Housewives of with tons of drama and half naked man candy.  And from the look of the picture of 2 of the cast members on the left (one of them being hottie mchotterton Reichen), I am already in deep depression/starvation mode.  Check out the preview here.


I really did not need another show reminding me of my meager earnings here in fabulous New York.  And then, to top it all off, the fabulous and rich cast members of this show happen to all be gorgeous with perfect bodies (well, there is one fatty thank god).  Rich and gorgeous?  How can I compete?  I am really glad I have gotten so busy I am basically paying my gym $175 per month to pretend I am working out.  This immediately needs to change.  Equinox, get ready for me to come 2 times a week!


Regardless of the fact that the men on this show make me feel fat and insecure, you better believe that I am going to watch every minute of this gay mess.  And from the preview, they are frolicking on yachts and playing in the Hampton's, which has been my dream since I have been here in New York.  Hey, maybe I will even get pointers from the gold digging gay guy on the show. 

Will you watch?

Much like the little girl in this photo, I have been wronged by an Indian Giver.  Let me break it down for you.

I started 'dating' this 23 year old a couple of months ago, and right off the bat he took our relationship way too seriously.  I should have known that this was going to be a stage 5 clinger when he brought a backpack full of clothes over to my apartment on our second date.  I was confused as to why he was moving clothes in on our second date - I mean, we aren't lesbians.  

On our 3rd date, he proceeded to get drunk (which I respect), but then he told me that he loved me (which I do not respect).  I should have probably ended it there and broken his young, inexperienced heart.  He would move on.  Besides being a little clingy, he was cute and smart and had good intentions.  However, I decided to continue seeing him in hopes that he was just nervous and new at dating and didn't really know how to act.

Throughout our 'relationship', he bought things for my apartment.  I did not ask for these things.  I would come home one day to find a microwave sitting at my door, or another day to find a box full of other kitchen accoutrements.  Again, he was being sweet and buying me things that he thought I would find useful.  Then one day he came over to my apartment with an Air Conditioning unit for my window.  He said it was too hot in my apartment and I needed it.  I was planning on buying one anyway because summer was upon us, and in fact, it was hot in my apartment.  I started to write him a check for the things he had purchased me, but he declined and said 'don't worry about it'.

Now, we continued to 'date' for a few more weeks when I realized that we weren't going to work out.  I felt bad for the kid, but I didn't want to prolong the relationship if I didn't see it going anywhere.  We parted amicably and vowed to remain friends.


He invited me out a week later to have dinner with a couple of his friends.  Against my better judgment, I went on the basis that this was just friends and that it meant nothing more to me.  Well, the kid proceeded to get drunk and tell me he missed me and wanted to know why I didn't like him.  The whole situation was awkward in front of his friends and made me very uncomfortable.  I told him we were never going to get back together.

I guess that irked him, because after that he became quite a psycho.  He had left a couple of things at my apartment (a hoodie, a shirt and a couple of pairs of shoes) that I promised to pack up for him.  He started texting me that if I didn't respond to him and return his stuff he was going to call the police on me (which clearly makes no sense.  I mean dude, a hoodie!).  I decided to pack his things up and leave them with my doorman for him to pick up so I didn't have to deal with seeing him.  However, since that day, he has texted and e-mailed me multiple times demanding a check back for the things he bought me while we were dating.  Now, I did not ask for him to purchase me these things.  So I am thinking, what the hell dude?

I decide to ignore his texts and e-mails so he gets the hint that I do not want to talk to him and he is not getting a check from me.  What kind of person buys someone presents, refuses to take a check when offered, and then when is broken up with, harasses you for money.  Was I dating a loan shark? 

Anyway, what is the proper etiquette when this happens?  Do I suck it up, go against what I think is right and give him a check?  Or do I continue to ignore him, pray I don't get stalked by him, and stick with my principles?

I vow this - I will never date someone that is younger than me again.  I need to be the immature crazy one, and babysitting a potential boyfriend is not something I am in the market for ...

Hot Boys (brothers?) of Summer

Is it just me, or do Landon Donovon, USA soccer stud, and Andy Roddick, USA tennis stud look extremely similar?  I mean, the similarity is crazy to me.  They could be brothers, or at least cousins.  

I have been obsessed with Andy Roddick for many years now, and I have always wanted him to come out of the closet and declare his love for men – especially, this man (points fingers at myself).  As a former tennis phenom, I have been following tennis for years which is where my love for Andy Roddick developed.  So, as Andy continues his quest for his first Wimbledon title over the next two weeks, I happily get to see my lover all over my giant TV.

Also, with World Cup in full swing, my attention has turned to gorgeous soccer player boys with sick bodies.  And the US team has a few choice hotties on the team.  Landon is one of them, but we also have a few others that make my mouth water and me wonder why the US does not follow soccer more closely.  Ladies and gays, start paying attention.  And for some odd reason, they all take their shirts off after the game and hug.  Yummy!

Anyway, does anyone else see the resemblance between Landon and Andy?  I believe they are both married, but if they want to explore their sexuality with yours truly – perhaps at the same time – I would be more than willing to do my patriotic duty and support these gifted US athletes.  I will let you know when they both reach out to me following this post …

What's Your Name Again?

There are many awkward things in life.  Trust me, I would know.  I am super awkward 90% of the time.  However, I think there is nothing more awkward than hooking up with someone and not knowing their name.  Now listen, I know people define hooking up as having sex, but for me, when I say hooking up, I most likely just mean making out.  After all, I am a lady!  And I would not do such things before I was married – which can happen for me in I believe 5 states.  Anyway, in the past couple of weeks, I have hooked up a few times.  And, blame it on the alcohol (which I so often do), but of the 3 people I have made out with in the past 10 days, I cannot remember 2 of their names.

Now this is very problematic for me you see.  The first guy I met on Grindr, which is an iPhone application that literally tells you where the nearest gay guy is.  I was in a cab on my way home from a debaucherous evening out with my friend and her MOM, when I guess I somehow managed to get on Grindr, meet a guy, and go to his apartment.  I don’t remember much about that night, although the next morning he did tell me that I asked him not to murder me.  You know me, always safe!  Herein lies the problem.  The dude was hot.  And from the looks of his apartment, rich.  And I want to see him again.  However, we have been exchanging texts and I have NO idea what his name is.  I tried to trick him in to telling me by saying ‘by the way, my name is Craig in case you forgot’, but that did not work on him.  He just responded, ‘I know, I have a great memory’.  Nards!  I also tried having my friend call his number and listen to his voicemail, but he is French, and she couldn’t quite make it out.  Double nards!

Next, I brought someone home with me this past Saturday, and I have no recollection his name.  Now, this guy is really into me and texts me 40 times per day.  First of all, red flag.  I need someone that I can chase.  I hate desperation and I don’t want someone that into me.  I mean, I do, but give me a little space.  The problem is, he wants to go out to dinner and again, I do not know his name or anything.  I cannot even do a Facebook stalk to remind me what he looks like.  When he left my apartment Sunday morning I was so hungover and I could not open my eyes.  All I could do was mumble my phone number to him and roll back over and sleep until 3:45 in the afternoon.  I guess that is what you get for eating 2 eggs for breakfast, and then drinking all day starting at 10am for World Cup, and staying out until 5am.  I am not in college anymore sadly, and the hangovers are beginning to hurt.

Does anyone have any other tricks as to how to figure out someone’s name once you have hooked up with them?  I mean, that is one giant slap in the face to not know someone’s name after you may or may not have had sexy times with them.  Thoughts?

Becoming a desired gay ...

I have decided that after years of talking about how I want a muscular body, and wondering why I didn't just wake up with the body of an Adonis, I should probably bite the bullet and join a gym.  The sad thing is, gyms in NYC are not cheap.  In Atlanta, I thought I was paying an insane amount of money to go to LA Fitness, which was one of the nicer gyms in the city.  It cost me $35 a month.  And since I never went, I didn't feel so bad about throwing $35 out every month.

The thing is, here in NYC, if you want to go to a decent gym, you are going to have to fork over at least $75 per month, and that gym will be over crowded and smell and I honestly have no desire to go there.  So, in typical gay fashion where we tend to live above our means, I decided if I was going to join a gym, I might as well join one of the nicest ones in the city.  The way I think of it is as an investment.  There are two results of this investment.  I will obtain a hot body which will attract men from all around to gawk at a body that will finally match my adorable face.  Also, since the gym is really expensive, I might find a rich boyfriend while at the gym.

The great thing about my gym, Equinox, is that 90% of the people there are hot.  And almost no one is fat.  It is really inspiring and it makes me want to be there and work my butt off to get muscles like everyone else.  The sad part is, I have no idea how to lift weights and I usually stumble around aimlessly pretending to work out while stressing out that people are watching me and thinking I am a moron.  And they would be right.

So here is my question.  Would you rather go to a gym where everyone is pretty and has better bodies than you, or belong to a gym where everyone is out of shape and you are the one everyone aspires to be?  I would say the first, because it inspires me to work out and become one of the elite.  

Check back with me in a month and hopefully I will have some type of muscle developing.  If not, I am going to be seriously depressed.

Big Technology Debut Today ...

No, not the iPhone 4 stupid. The long anticipated fourth studio album from the genius that is Christina Aguilera. While many people were watching Steve Jobs debut the new iPhone to the public, I was sitting at work uncomfortably counting down the hours until I could get home to the most beautiful sight - a package. And not that kind of package, an actual package that contained, before you can buy it in stores, Christina Aguilera's newest album Bionic.

I am on track 14 of 23 and I can already say that this album is awesome. I mean, I am obviously super biased because Christina could stab me in the neck and I would still think she was God.

But from what I have heard thus far, this album rocks my face off and her voice is as brilliant and beautiful as ever. Go out and buy it tomorrow, because I do not let people burn Christina Aguilera albums from me. Go out and support my sweet baby girl.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go back to crying tears of joy, alone in my apartment while listening to this magical album. Let me know what you think when you buy the album, which you are all going to go out and buy tomorrow. Just remember, that I am a super fan and got her album first. Christina, why won't you call me to hang out? I'm waiting ...

2 of my favorite messes ...

The season finale of the Real Housewives of New York was on last night, and thankfully I had so much work to do, I was forced to stay in and watch the train wreck come to an incredible season finale. My two favorite train wrecks on the show are Luann and Kelly.

First off, has anyone seen the official video for Luann's 'song' Money Can't Buy You Class? Or are your ears still bleeding from hearing it and you are too nervous to watch the video for fear of losing not only your hearing, but also your sight? If you dare, click here. Here is a list of things that money can buy you, and money cannot buy you:

Money Can Buy you ...

1. A record deal. We have all witnessed this with Kim Zolciak, the hottest, wig wearin' mess from my home of ATL. And now Luann.
2. Very hot models for your debut music video.
3. A great makeup artist and hair stylist for your video.

Money Cannot Buy you ...

1. A good beat for your song.
2. Autotune in a good studio because you sound awful even in a studio.
3. Lip syncing lessons because when you performed 'live' at your CD release party, the mic was about 5 feet from your mouth the whole time and you were smiling.
4. Acting lessons for your video because you are obviously super awkward (takes one to know one right?).

Also, she talks about class as she is rolling around, writhing on a bed with half naked men. While that is my dream, I do not believe it is classy.

And now on to the hottest mess on television. One Kelly Bensimon. If you have watched any of the episodes of the Real Housewives, you know that she is a complete social liability, and is definitely a candidate for the Dean of CBU (aka, Crazy Bitch University). If you saw her melt down in the Bahamas, it was classic TV and made me super giddy. But the kicker came in the season finale. Each 'Housewife' was presumably allowed to come up with their own 'blurb' that concluded the season. Kelly's was something like 'Kelly still believes in devoting her life to lollipops, unicorns and rainbows...'

I mean, is this bitch for real??? Can someone please introduce me to her because I know whatever she is on is incredible and I need to be prescribed it/given a map in Mexico as to where to find it!

Here is to hoping that the ladies all return for a fourth season because these crazies are definitely my guilty pleasure.

Ghost's of Bad Dates Past ...

Going on dates can be quite stressful and tiresome. But if I am ever going to end up the future Mr. Ricky Martin, I need to weed through the dating pool before I am finally set up with Ricky. That way my skills are honed and I don't F it up.

We all know there are those dates that you can tell are bad and are not going to work out right from the start. Those suck, but you get over those, and move on. But then there are those dates that you go on and you think went really well, but you never hear from the person again. You reach out via text or Facebook and yet, the person never contacts you again. This has happened to me way too many times to count, and I am beginning to think that I might be a bad date.

Now is it just me, or have you ever wanted to get in touch with anyone you wanted to go on a second or third date with and find out why it didn't happen. Why didn't they want to see you again. Did they not find you sexually attractive? Did they hate your personality? Did they think you were a moron? Clearly, none of those questions could be true about me ... or, could they?

I have put together a short list as to why people may not have wanted to go on a second date with me.

1. I talk a lot. I admit it. Especially when I am nervous. So sometimes I tend to dominate the conversation and that could be a turn off.
2. They may have seen me out and about wearing a head lamp at a bar (see above picture).
3. I am not the typical gay guy. I don't have great fashion and I don't go clubbing or belong to a gym. I like sports and beer, but I am not fat and I don't want to date a fatty.
4. I am painfully awkward in social situations where I am uncomfortable.
5. I have tiny moobs - most likely from not working out and the McFlurry obsession I have from the McDonalds on my block when I am drunk at 2 am.
6. I don't have perfect teeth. My parents wanted to give me braces, but I was in High School, a nerd, and I was in theatre. I did not need braces ruining my life even more. Stupid mistake.

That is really all I can think of for now. I think if people were brutally honest and just told you what they didn't like about you, we as a society could fix ourselves. So next time you are on a date with someone wearing jean shorts, tell them they are undateable until the stop wearing those. Trust me, it will maybe make their next date go that much better.