Thursday, September 9, 2010

Why, Oh Why, Button Fly??

What is the deal with button fly jeans?  Seriously.  Every pair of jeans that I seem to love and purchase as of late end up being button fly.  I need to ask myself, why would any designer make button fly over regular zipper jeans? 

You may say, aesthetically, button fly jeans look cool.  Well, while that may be true in theory, you cannot tell if a person is wearing button fly or zipper jeans when they are properly closed.  And let’s face it, 99.99% of people see us with our jeans buttoned or zipped. 

Also, one of the best things about being a guy is that we get to pee standing up.  And to go along with that, the best part about peeing while wearing pants, is that you can just pull your weenus out through your pant hole without unbuttoning the top button or undoing your belt.  Well, button fly jeans really ruin this.  Not only is it time consuming, it is also awkward at a bar when you have to undo your belt, and basically unbutton half your pants in order to relieve yourself, making the guy next to you think you are pulling some sort of Larry Craig.  And as I spend the majority of my time in straight bars, it is more awkward because most of the  guys there are not receptive to full frontal male nudity, sadly.

The only other reason I can think of to have button fly jeans is for weenus protection.  In case someone tries to give you a random handy at a bar.  I say, let the random hand jobs commence!  I am sure I would have gotten much more play at gay bars and on the subway had I not been wearing weenus armor (aka, a belt and button fly jeans).

So jean companies, I beg of you, please make cute, designer jeans that are zip fly instead of button fly.  It helps me pee easier and more quickly, and also opens me up to the opportunity of random weenus play.  


  1. button flies were invented by the gap in the 90s to further promote gays in the military - don't ask me how the two relate, but i'm 99.7% sure this was the cause of the fashion trend. apparently button flies "lay right" and don't give you the appearance of a perma-rection. i'll tell you what - girls aren't pleased with the button fly either. although i am not fond of perma-rections, it hurts far more to be box-punched with a button fly vs a zipper. i'm fully willing to sign a petition if you go though the waste of time getting a sheet of paper out...

  2. ps - you've really gotta up your game on this blog... i'm mean blue jeans? go get laid or ack like a trainwreck and share please... ;)

  3. I thought the button fly looked cool. And then one night I waited till the last possible moment to break the seal. And then I hated the button fly. It takes forever to undo.

  4. "....button flies were invented by the gap in the 90s to further promote gays in the military ...."

    Um... NO... Button fly is the original jean closure, it predates the zipper by generations. The original Levis in the 1870s were button fly.

    Reasons for men to choose button fly:

    Once you've gotten pinched in a zipper, you never forget it.

    If a zipper jams or breaks, you're out of luck - you have to go home and change or risk arrest for indecent exposure, or at least real embarassment. But if one button or button loop fails, the jeans are still wearable.

    If the zipper is irreparably jammed/broken, then the pants are done. But a problem with the button fly can often be home repaired if you're not needle phobic. Military pants are button fly for just this reason -- zippers are not field repairable.

    Finally... for some women, the button fly is "fetish clothing", don't ask me why. But when I start unbuttoning those old jeans, my wife's eyes light up....