The Dating (Awkward) Game

I am not 100% crazy.   90%, sure.  But I swear there is some semblance or sanity that still lives in my head.  But when it comes to relationships, or dating/making out in general, you could basically call me Corky from Life Goes On and call it a day.  I am an absolute moron when it comes to pretending I know things about the (in my case) same sex.  I am more equipped to re-build a carburetor than date an actual human male, which is sadly saying a lot.

Here is the thing.  I find myself attractive.  It may be the 4 vodka cocktails I usually have before writing blogs of this sort, or it may be the fact that I am narcissistic beyond words, but I think my face is pretty adorable.  And my personality is hilar-balls.  Yes, it is true.  Where I am lacking is my body.  I belong to an expensive gym (mostly to meet rich male suitors), but let's be honest, I rarely go.  I make excuses by saying I work a lot and I take clients out a lot, so I have no time to go, but let us be honest, I am just lazy.  There are a couple of things I would like to address.  They are little gems of wisdom that make NO sense to me and I need help deciphering.

1.  I claim I am fat. A lot.  I know that is completely ridiculous.  I am not fat by any means.  I am almost skinny in some circles.  But in what is called 'gay world', I am shamu.  Nearly all my friends are straight, and they will never understand, but the fact is that in gay world, I am fat.  Here is the curious thing.  All my friends call me skinny and tell me I look good, but one has to question if they are being nice or serious.  I think there is a world where there is never a way to possibly know whether your friends are being honest or nice.  And if they are being honest, are we ever really able to truly believe them?

2.  Dating.  I belong to many websites and crazy places to meet men.  I have been on weird dates, fun dates, crazy sexting relationships, etc, but I will never understand the male psyche.  I can meet someone online (or on an iPhone app), and have the best "relationship" with them.  But when it comes time to meet, they always bail.  Is it something I said?  Are they secretly in a relationship?  Either way, if you try and call them out on it, you come across as a complete psycho.  When is it appropriate to call out your online fake boyfriend on his bluff?  And when you do call them out, you either look like a desperate mess (no way to avoid that), or a weirdo.  Sometimes though, you just want to know why the person never called you or texted you for that date.  Is there ever an appropriate way to ask why someone never texted or called you? Or do you always need to leave it and feel like a psycho?

Anyway, that is all I guess.  I seem like a mega psycho, but in the reality of it all, I just want to know what it is people don't like about me (or to my million followers, you) in general.  It is not that I am a complete psycho, it it just that I want to know, in all honestly, why you never call me after a fantastic date :)

AAAAANNNNND, scene ...