Ghost's of Bad Dates Past ...

Going on dates can be quite stressful and tiresome. But if I am ever going to end up the future Mr. Ricky Martin, I need to weed through the dating pool before I am finally set up with Ricky. That way my skills are honed and I don't F it up.

We all know there are those dates that you can tell are bad and are not going to work out right from the start. Those suck, but you get over those, and move on. But then there are those dates that you go on and you think went really well, but you never hear from the person again. You reach out via text or Facebook and yet, the person never contacts you again. This has happened to me way too many times to count, and I am beginning to think that I might be a bad date.

Now is it just me, or have you ever wanted to get in touch with anyone you wanted to go on a second or third date with and find out why it didn't happen. Why didn't they want to see you again. Did they not find you sexually attractive? Did they hate your personality? Did they think you were a moron? Clearly, none of those questions could be true about me ... or, could they?

I have put together a short list as to why people may not have wanted to go on a second date with me.

1. I talk a lot. I admit it. Especially when I am nervous. So sometimes I tend to dominate the conversation and that could be a turn off.
2. They may have seen me out and about wearing a head lamp at a bar (see above picture).
3. I am not the typical gay guy. I don't have great fashion and I don't go clubbing or belong to a gym. I like sports and beer, but I am not fat and I don't want to date a fatty.
4. I am painfully awkward in social situations where I am uncomfortable.
5. I have tiny moobs - most likely from not working out and the McFlurry obsession I have from the McDonalds on my block when I am drunk at 2 am.
6. I don't have perfect teeth. My parents wanted to give me braces, but I was in High School, a nerd, and I was in theatre. I did not need braces ruining my life even more. Stupid mistake.

That is really all I can think of for now. I think if people were brutally honest and just told you what they didn't like about you, we as a society could fix ourselves. So next time you are on a date with someone wearing jean shorts, tell them they are undateable until the stop wearing those. Trust me, it will maybe make their next date go that much better.

Vending Machine Atrocities

Is it just me, or are vending machines the most awkward things ever? I would say I rarely get anything out of vending machines. Mostly because almost everything in there is super unhealthy, or it is soda, which I do not drink. But there are a few times when I have found myself searching my desk for change in a sudden collapse of will power.

But have you ever noticed the behavior that happens around a vending machine? People suddenly feel the need to verbalize every decision and start rambling incoherently. The only way to feel decent about yourself while at a vending machine is if no one sees the transaction.

Have you noticed that? As your coworker is pulling a bag of chips out of the vending machine, she says "Umm, wow. My lunch was so small, I just umm, needed a snack to go with it". Or, "I haven't eaten all day. I am so hungry. I normally wouldn't eat this crap". Yea right fat ass. You are at that vending machine 3 times a day. I've seen your keyboard - Orange from the cheetos coloration that your fingers have sustained after years of vending machine abuse.

Regardless of what you are getting out of that vending machine, I cannot help but look down upon you. And the few times I have caved and gotten vending machine items, I feel like people are judging me as well. Which you should. When is the last time you saw someone getting an apple of out a vending machine? Exactly.

Atrocious Male Behavior

So, granted, I cannot find a suitable boyfriend, and the last time I "went all the way" I believe Reagan was in the White House, but I need to talk about some things that are absolutely atrocious. I have comprised a list of things that are completely unacceptable for men. If you run into a man who does commit one of these faux pas, please, for all of our sakes, yell at them and do not date them.

1. Man Jewelry. This is by far the biggest turn off ever. Who told men that it was acceptable to wear jewelry? When I see a man wearing a gold chain it enrages me so much. Men, this is not an acceptable or an attractive look. And unless you are a rap star, please do not wear an earring. Wait, scratch that, even if you are a rap star, please do not wear earrings. And don't get me started on class rings. It is 2009. Please put your 1998 class ring in a Cash for Gold envelope and send it away. I am actually angry that you ordered one in the first place. The only acceptable pieces of man jewelry are watches and wedding rings.

2. Mandals. I am not talking about flip flops, but actual black leather man sandals. They make you look like a complete douche. Either wear flip flops (preferably Rainbows) or shoes please. Do not try and dress up a nice outfit with black mandals. I might throw up on them.

3. Ponytails/Scrunchies. You are not Amy Grant and this is not 1994. Hey guess what? When you have a nice haircut, you actually look a LOT cuter. I don't know many people who want to see you washing your long hair, then blow drying it, and finally putting it up in a velvet scrunchie. I may not be the most manly person in the world, but I am pretty sure you just became more of a gay guy than I will ever be after a display like that. Please, keep your hair tidy.

4. Murses (the Man Purse). Listen. I know we all need to carry things around. But if you are a dude, you do not need to carry a murse. If you cannot fit it into your pocket, either you don't need it, or you are going to have to live without it. I can fit the following things in my jeans while going out, and if you need more than this, just call yourself a woman and chop off your balls: Keys, chap stick, wallet, camera, iPod, cell phone. All of those things fit in a pair of pants or shorts. And if you do make the awful choice to wear Cargo pants or shorts, you have more options for storage. So yea, murses need to go.

I mean, all signs point to the fact that I am going to fall madly in love with a guy who wears tons of jewelry, has a ponytail and carries a murse that matches his mandals - but until then, I will continue to make fun of you (probably to your face - but definitely behind your back) if I see you committing any of these faux pas.

Traffic

When I moved to NYC I was excited for many reasons. One of the best and most exciting reasons was the realization that I would never have to drive anywhere again. While I absolutely love driving, I would no longer worry about getting a DUI, paying obscene gas prices, and best of all, I would no longer be in traffic! Traffic in Atlanta is some of the worst in the US, so if you have ever been, or if you have ever been in any type of highway gridlock, you know what I am talking about.

Turns out, I was wrong! While I am no longer in a car and sitting on the highway going 5 miles per hour, I am in a city where walking traffic is a serious problem. With millions of people, nearly all on foot, crowding the sidewalk, there is just as much stress walking down the sidewalk as there is while driving a car. Let me lay out some similarities for you:

The Jogger/Runner: Similar to the sports car on the road, these people wear sporty little outfits, move extremely fast and weave in and out of traffic with reckless abandon. They feel superior to everyone with their sleek bodies and fast moves. And just like a sports car, their bodies are something I will most likely never attain.

The Tourist: Much like drivers who are confused where they are going on the road, tourists change directions and stop dead in their tracks with no social awareness as to what is going on around them. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have barreled into someone on the street because they stopped to look up at all the lights. These people, much like their driving counterparts, need to do research before heading out into the world.

The Homeless Person: This guy is passed out on the street. It is much like the stalled car on the highway. You feel bad, but not bad enough to stop and help. Then after you walk by you feel guilty for leaving the person out in the rain, alone.

The Slow Walker: Normally an elderly person, this is just like the slow driver in traffic. You desperately try and pass them but often times you cannot because there are people in other walking lanes. This walker is very frustrating and normally is in front of you when you are running late.

The "Cannot Walk in a Straight Line": You know the driver that switches lanes with no thought and no rationale? Yea, this person cannot seem to figure out how to walk a straight line. They walk from one side of the sidewalk to the other. This person is also particularly tricky to pass because you have no idea when they are going to make a sharp movement and create a walking accident.

While I am sure there are other similarities, let me leave you with one last thought. At least while you are driving you are all (hopefully) going in the SAME direction. When you are walking, you have to deal with oncoming traffic as well. It is like you are playing that game chicken. (Remember in Footloose when they did it on tractors? Classic). It's like, who is going to move out of the way first? It is very stressful. Anyway, yea, so gridlock is a bitch, but so is walking.

Single in the City ...

Being single sucks. When people tell you that they are happy being single and are enjoying going out and not being tied down, they are lying. I have estimated that we spend approximately 50% of our conversations talking about boys or girls we like. Whether seeing someone hot on the street, talking about the work hottie you have a crush on, or secretly thinking the homeless man who begs you for quarters is cute, thinking about sex and dating is a constant no matter what people want to admit.

Now, being single not only sucks, it is quite the cruel twist of fate. I have clearly given this a lot of thought as I have pretty much been single my entire life. My last legitimate boyfriend and I broke up when I was 21. I am now 27. I am either completely undateable or ridiculously picky. Let's go with the latter.

The cruel twist of fate comes in many forms. When you are dating someone, you have more sex. Now I know people in relationships say that it slows down after you have been dating for a while, however, you at least always have the option. I would say, for the most part, my chances of having sex during the week are at 28.5%. If I go out to the bars twice a week, that is where I get that percentage. On a normal night, when I am not going out, I work all day, and go home. There is really no way that I am going to get laid unless alcohol is involved. What a cruel twist of fate!

When you have a significant other, you also spend a considerable less amount of money. Now, people in relationships are going to argue this point, but I will refute your arguments here. When you are single, you tend to go out a bit more. When I had a boyfriend - granted, it was eons ago - I was completely happy staying in on a Friday night watching a movie, eating in and getting it on. But now, when the weekend rolls around, I need to be out and about and on the hunt. I end up going to dinner and drinks, and then bar hopping around the city with friends looking for a man. With New York's ridiculous prices, a night out could set you back $150. Sitting at home with your boyfriend maybe costs $20. What a cruel twist of fate!

And along the lines of spending less money, when you are dating/married/partnered with someone, you tend to live together in the same apartment, while we single shmucks sit around and pay ridiculous rents by ourselves. In New York, people tend to move in together much more quickly for that very reason. You could cut your rent nearly in half if you moved in with someone you were with, while I am paying an arm and a leg to live with roommates and spend my nights alone with my a bottle of lube and my left hand. What a cruel twist of fate!

So, the next time you see someone single, be nice to them. They are probably broke and extremely horny. Let them sit down on the subway. Buy them a shot. Hold the door open for them. They need it more than you, you happy, oblivious person in a relationship.

If She Can Make It, So Can I ...

Seriously? Is this real? Real "Housewife" of Atlanta Kim Zolciak has released a single that is sure to begin playing at every gay bar in the country. (Side note - Am I taking Crazy Pills, or are half of the "ladies" of the Real Housewives of Atlanta single? Is it just me or does the word housewife not come with actually having a husband? Also, being from Atlanta, it makes me angry that none of the women actually live IN Atlanta. They all live in suburbs. And why are they all getting their homes foreclosed? Atlanta is not that bunk ladies and gentleman).

Anyway, thanks to my good friend Carrie Clark for giving me the heads up on this single. And as she put it, this just proves that a sound editor and a producer can make anyone sound good. Kim must have hired the same guy who has produced all of Britney Spears' albums. Maybe Kim and Britney should go on an acapella singing tour of the country and we can decide who has a more terrible voice.

Also, can we please talk about the title of the song? Tardy for the Party? That sounds like something that Miley Cyrus would sing (pre poll dancing/stripping on the internet Miley). It quite possibly might be the worst title of a song I have ever heard. I want to throw up all over it. Let me know what you think of the song. Listen here. The sad thing is, it is kind of catchy. Anything with a good beat and techno music makes my little gay body want to dance. Cut to me this weekend drunkenly dancing to this song at the local gay bar trying miserably, and with no luck, to seduce some unsuspecting bar patron. Story of my life ... story of my life.

I Hate What Facebook Has Become

I hate you Facebook. What once was used as a fun stalking tool has turned into a complete mess. The last thing I want when I log in is to see that "Kathy" has added new photos of herself giving birth. Or see a status update that "Julia's" baby is no longer accepting her breast milk. How can I feel confident opening up my Facebook at work when my boss might walk by and see a picture of your bloody, naked baby just as it is taking its first breath of air? I would rather gouge my eyes out with shrimp forks than see your baby in that state.

What happened to the good old days when Facebook was used to stalk people, look at pictures of drunk friends and be an overall time suck?

And don't even get me started on friends that are engaged! It's bad enough that I have to hear about your child, but the minutia of comments and posts leading up to your big day make me want to vomit. It's awful enough that I cannot legally marry in most states, but I really don't need 5 status updates a day about how you and your fiancé are picking bridesmaids fabric, tasting wedding cakes and planning your honeymoon. Trust me, I don't care, and I am tempted to delete you. Speaking of, who are you anyway, and why are we even friends? Didn't we have 9th grade biology together? You probably called me a homo behind my back and now only like me because I got cute.

And what is with all of the quizzes that people take? Now, I understand that quizzes can be extremely fun, but does that mean that you have to share your results with everyone you know on Facebook? I really don't care that "Bridges of Madison County" is the movie that most resembles your life according to some asinine quiz that some loser made up. Seriously, take the quiz, view the results, but do not publish to my wall.

And finally, I do not want to be invited to your group where you hand out pieces of flare or ask me to join your Facebook farming community. Please stop sending me these requests. Like I said, I barely know you anyway, so what makes you think I would want to send you a piece of flare? My goodness!

Now, with all of that being said, I still use Facebook like Amy Winehouse still uses crack - it's a total crutch that I cannot get through my day without. And part of me would totally delete my account if it wasn't for the fact that Facebook is one of the quickest and easiest mediums to get you to read my blog. Face it, isn't that how you read this post today?

Anyway, for all of our sakes, please continue to just post pics of you half-naked or drunk, because really, that is all most of us want to see.