Becoming a desired gay ...

I have decided that after years of talking about how I want a muscular body, and wondering why I didn't just wake up with the body of an Adonis, I should probably bite the bullet and join a gym.  The sad thing is, gyms in NYC are not cheap.  In Atlanta, I thought I was paying an insane amount of money to go to LA Fitness, which was one of the nicer gyms in the city.  It cost me $35 a month.  And since I never went, I didn't feel so bad about throwing $35 out every month.

The thing is, here in NYC, if you want to go to a decent gym, you are going to have to fork over at least $75 per month, and that gym will be over crowded and smell and I honestly have no desire to go there.  So, in typical gay fashion where we tend to live above our means, I decided if I was going to join a gym, I might as well join one of the nicest ones in the city.  The way I think of it is as an investment.  There are two results of this investment.  I will obtain a hot body which will attract men from all around to gawk at a body that will finally match my adorable face.  Also, since the gym is really expensive, I might find a rich boyfriend while at the gym.

The great thing about my gym, Equinox, is that 90% of the people there are hot.  And almost no one is fat.  It is really inspiring and it makes me want to be there and work my butt off to get muscles like everyone else.  The sad part is, I have no idea how to lift weights and I usually stumble around aimlessly pretending to work out while stressing out that people are watching me and thinking I am a moron.  And they would be right.

So here is my question.  Would you rather go to a gym where everyone is pretty and has better bodies than you, or belong to a gym where everyone is out of shape and you are the one everyone aspires to be?  I would say the first, because it inspires me to work out and become one of the elite.  

Check back with me in a month and hopefully I will have some type of muscle developing.  If not, I am going to be seriously depressed.

Big Technology Debut Today ...

No, not the iPhone 4 stupid. The long anticipated fourth studio album from the genius that is Christina Aguilera. While many people were watching Steve Jobs debut the new iPhone to the public, I was sitting at work uncomfortably counting down the hours until I could get home to the most beautiful sight - a package. And not that kind of package, an actual package that contained, before you can buy it in stores, Christina Aguilera's newest album Bionic.

I am on track 14 of 23 and I can already say that this album is awesome. I mean, I am obviously super biased because Christina could stab me in the neck and I would still think she was God.

But from what I have heard thus far, this album rocks my face off and her voice is as brilliant and beautiful as ever. Go out and buy it tomorrow, because I do not let people burn Christina Aguilera albums from me. Go out and support my sweet baby girl.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go back to crying tears of joy, alone in my apartment while listening to this magical album. Let me know what you think when you buy the album, which you are all going to go out and buy tomorrow. Just remember, that I am a super fan and got her album first. Christina, why won't you call me to hang out? I'm waiting ...

2 of my favorite messes ...

The season finale of the Real Housewives of New York was on last night, and thankfully I had so much work to do, I was forced to stay in and watch the train wreck come to an incredible season finale. My two favorite train wrecks on the show are Luann and Kelly.

First off, has anyone seen the official video for Luann's 'song' Money Can't Buy You Class? Or are your ears still bleeding from hearing it and you are too nervous to watch the video for fear of losing not only your hearing, but also your sight? If you dare, click here. Here is a list of things that money can buy you, and money cannot buy you:

Money Can Buy you ...

1. A record deal. We have all witnessed this with Kim Zolciak, the hottest, wig wearin' mess from my home of ATL. And now Luann.
2. Very hot models for your debut music video.
3. A great makeup artist and hair stylist for your video.

Money Cannot Buy you ...

1. A good beat for your song.
2. Autotune in a good studio because you sound awful even in a studio.
3. Lip syncing lessons because when you performed 'live' at your CD release party, the mic was about 5 feet from your mouth the whole time and you were smiling.
4. Acting lessons for your video because you are obviously super awkward (takes one to know one right?).

Also, she talks about class as she is rolling around, writhing on a bed with half naked men. While that is my dream, I do not believe it is classy.

And now on to the hottest mess on television. One Kelly Bensimon. If you have watched any of the episodes of the Real Housewives, you know that she is a complete social liability, and is definitely a candidate for the Dean of CBU (aka, Crazy Bitch University). If you saw her melt down in the Bahamas, it was classic TV and made me super giddy. But the kicker came in the season finale. Each 'Housewife' was presumably allowed to come up with their own 'blurb' that concluded the season. Kelly's was something like 'Kelly still believes in devoting her life to lollipops, unicorns and rainbows...'

I mean, is this bitch for real??? Can someone please introduce me to her because I know whatever she is on is incredible and I need to be prescribed it/given a map in Mexico as to where to find it!

Here is to hoping that the ladies all return for a fourth season because these crazies are definitely my guilty pleasure.

Ghost's of Bad Dates Past ...

Going on dates can be quite stressful and tiresome. But if I am ever going to end up the future Mr. Ricky Martin, I need to weed through the dating pool before I am finally set up with Ricky. That way my skills are honed and I don't F it up.

We all know there are those dates that you can tell are bad and are not going to work out right from the start. Those suck, but you get over those, and move on. But then there are those dates that you go on and you think went really well, but you never hear from the person again. You reach out via text or Facebook and yet, the person never contacts you again. This has happened to me way too many times to count, and I am beginning to think that I might be a bad date.

Now is it just me, or have you ever wanted to get in touch with anyone you wanted to go on a second or third date with and find out why it didn't happen. Why didn't they want to see you again. Did they not find you sexually attractive? Did they hate your personality? Did they think you were a moron? Clearly, none of those questions could be true about me ... or, could they?

I have put together a short list as to why people may not have wanted to go on a second date with me.

1. I talk a lot. I admit it. Especially when I am nervous. So sometimes I tend to dominate the conversation and that could be a turn off.
2. They may have seen me out and about wearing a head lamp at a bar (see above picture).
3. I am not the typical gay guy. I don't have great fashion and I don't go clubbing or belong to a gym. I like sports and beer, but I am not fat and I don't want to date a fatty.
4. I am painfully awkward in social situations where I am uncomfortable.
5. I have tiny moobs - most likely from not working out and the McFlurry obsession I have from the McDonalds on my block when I am drunk at 2 am.
6. I don't have perfect teeth. My parents wanted to give me braces, but I was in High School, a nerd, and I was in theatre. I did not need braces ruining my life even more. Stupid mistake.

That is really all I can think of for now. I think if people were brutally honest and just told you what they didn't like about you, we as a society could fix ourselves. So next time you are on a date with someone wearing jean shorts, tell them they are undateable until the stop wearing those. Trust me, it will maybe make their next date go that much better.

Vending Machine Atrocities

Is it just me, or are vending machines the most awkward things ever? I would say I rarely get anything out of vending machines. Mostly because almost everything in there is super unhealthy, or it is soda, which I do not drink. But there are a few times when I have found myself searching my desk for change in a sudden collapse of will power.

But have you ever noticed the behavior that happens around a vending machine? People suddenly feel the need to verbalize every decision and start rambling incoherently. The only way to feel decent about yourself while at a vending machine is if no one sees the transaction.

Have you noticed that? As your coworker is pulling a bag of chips out of the vending machine, she says "Umm, wow. My lunch was so small, I just umm, needed a snack to go with it". Or, "I haven't eaten all day. I am so hungry. I normally wouldn't eat this crap". Yea right fat ass. You are at that vending machine 3 times a day. I've seen your keyboard - Orange from the cheetos coloration that your fingers have sustained after years of vending machine abuse.

Regardless of what you are getting out of that vending machine, I cannot help but look down upon you. And the few times I have caved and gotten vending machine items, I feel like people are judging me as well. Which you should. When is the last time you saw someone getting an apple of out a vending machine? Exactly.

Atrocious Male Behavior

So, granted, I cannot find a suitable boyfriend, and the last time I "went all the way" I believe Reagan was in the White House, but I need to talk about some things that are absolutely atrocious. I have comprised a list of things that are completely unacceptable for men. If you run into a man who does commit one of these faux pas, please, for all of our sakes, yell at them and do not date them.

1. Man Jewelry. This is by far the biggest turn off ever. Who told men that it was acceptable to wear jewelry? When I see a man wearing a gold chain it enrages me so much. Men, this is not an acceptable or an attractive look. And unless you are a rap star, please do not wear an earring. Wait, scratch that, even if you are a rap star, please do not wear earrings. And don't get me started on class rings. It is 2009. Please put your 1998 class ring in a Cash for Gold envelope and send it away. I am actually angry that you ordered one in the first place. The only acceptable pieces of man jewelry are watches and wedding rings.

2. Mandals. I am not talking about flip flops, but actual black leather man sandals. They make you look like a complete douche. Either wear flip flops (preferably Rainbows) or shoes please. Do not try and dress up a nice outfit with black mandals. I might throw up on them.

3. Ponytails/Scrunchies. You are not Amy Grant and this is not 1994. Hey guess what? When you have a nice haircut, you actually look a LOT cuter. I don't know many people who want to see you washing your long hair, then blow drying it, and finally putting it up in a velvet scrunchie. I may not be the most manly person in the world, but I am pretty sure you just became more of a gay guy than I will ever be after a display like that. Please, keep your hair tidy.

4. Murses (the Man Purse). Listen. I know we all need to carry things around. But if you are a dude, you do not need to carry a murse. If you cannot fit it into your pocket, either you don't need it, or you are going to have to live without it. I can fit the following things in my jeans while going out, and if you need more than this, just call yourself a woman and chop off your balls: Keys, chap stick, wallet, camera, iPod, cell phone. All of those things fit in a pair of pants or shorts. And if you do make the awful choice to wear Cargo pants or shorts, you have more options for storage. So yea, murses need to go.

I mean, all signs point to the fact that I am going to fall madly in love with a guy who wears tons of jewelry, has a ponytail and carries a murse that matches his mandals - but until then, I will continue to make fun of you (probably to your face - but definitely behind your back) if I see you committing any of these faux pas.

Traffic

When I moved to NYC I was excited for many reasons. One of the best and most exciting reasons was the realization that I would never have to drive anywhere again. While I absolutely love driving, I would no longer worry about getting a DUI, paying obscene gas prices, and best of all, I would no longer be in traffic! Traffic in Atlanta is some of the worst in the US, so if you have ever been, or if you have ever been in any type of highway gridlock, you know what I am talking about.

Turns out, I was wrong! While I am no longer in a car and sitting on the highway going 5 miles per hour, I am in a city where walking traffic is a serious problem. With millions of people, nearly all on foot, crowding the sidewalk, there is just as much stress walking down the sidewalk as there is while driving a car. Let me lay out some similarities for you:

The Jogger/Runner: Similar to the sports car on the road, these people wear sporty little outfits, move extremely fast and weave in and out of traffic with reckless abandon. They feel superior to everyone with their sleek bodies and fast moves. And just like a sports car, their bodies are something I will most likely never attain.

The Tourist: Much like drivers who are confused where they are going on the road, tourists change directions and stop dead in their tracks with no social awareness as to what is going on around them. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have barreled into someone on the street because they stopped to look up at all the lights. These people, much like their driving counterparts, need to do research before heading out into the world.

The Homeless Person: This guy is passed out on the street. It is much like the stalled car on the highway. You feel bad, but not bad enough to stop and help. Then after you walk by you feel guilty for leaving the person out in the rain, alone.

The Slow Walker: Normally an elderly person, this is just like the slow driver in traffic. You desperately try and pass them but often times you cannot because there are people in other walking lanes. This walker is very frustrating and normally is in front of you when you are running late.

The "Cannot Walk in a Straight Line": You know the driver that switches lanes with no thought and no rationale? Yea, this person cannot seem to figure out how to walk a straight line. They walk from one side of the sidewalk to the other. This person is also particularly tricky to pass because you have no idea when they are going to make a sharp movement and create a walking accident.

While I am sure there are other similarities, let me leave you with one last thought. At least while you are driving you are all (hopefully) going in the SAME direction. When you are walking, you have to deal with oncoming traffic as well. It is like you are playing that game chicken. (Remember in Footloose when they did it on tractors? Classic). It's like, who is going to move out of the way first? It is very stressful. Anyway, yea, so gridlock is a bitch, but so is walking.