Back in Action

So, a lot has happened since my last posting. I know this blog is probably the last thing anyone is thinking about these days; not that anyone constantly thought about it in the first place, but please just go with it. It is now June and I have been living in New York for more than 4 months now. I can hardly believe how the time flies.

I was told when I first moved here that when people start asking me for directions, I have finally made it as a New Yorker. Well, I am proud to say that I have had that happen to me several times now – and while I may not always know how to tell someone how to get to a certain location, at least I look the part.

Well, with that being said, there have been a lot of changes in my life, and if I am really going to make it as the gay male Chelsea Handler, well, then I have to continue writing and posting. So, I am making a commitment, a reasonable one, to try and post at least 3 to 4 times a week. So, for the 3 people who used to read this blog on the regular, hang on tight – I am back!

Match.com

So, I believe it was early April, my friend Melissa (aka Biscuits), remembered that she went to high school with a homo, who, like me, had moved to NYC. She wanted to introduce us because she knew that I needed some gay friends in NYC. The only problem, Biscuits informed me, was that she had never really spoken to the aforementioned homo. They were friends on Facebook, and she totally stalked him on there – you know, the real reason most people use Facebook – for stalking. Well, Biscuits knew I was having a hard time meeting gays, so she bit the bullet and messaged Ted. Being a fan of the stalk himself, Ted appreciated her reaching out. To make a long story short, we decided to meet. Turns out, this kid lives on my block – convenient right?

Well, we make plans to meet up at a gay bar in the area for a drink. Now, maybe this is one of the reasons I don’t have many gay friends, or maybe it is because I am the eternal hopeless romantic, but I always think that anyone I am meeting up with has the potential of being the man who sweeps me off my feet.

I meet up with Ted, and he is a giant – seriously, like 6’5”. Now, I am no shrimp, but standing next to him in all my 5’10” glory, well, I felt like I was part of the Munchkin Guild. We had a few drinks, and it turns out he is a pretty good guy, even though from now on, I would only like to hang out with him if we are sitting down.

Well, you might be wondering why this post is called Match.com, and I am getting to that, but I just needed to give some background. Ted and I decided to meet up a week or so later to go out for the night. I invited my friend Damon, who I met earlier in my tenure in NYC (recall a boy ‘breaking up’ with me at Arriba Arriba anyone?). We all go to Ted’s for cocktails before heading down to the West Village to go out. Well, the second we walk into the bar, Ted and his crew disperse. They all start doing their own thing, and it kind of became frustrating. A few vodka waters later, and realizing the fact that no one was hitting on me, or giving me the time of day (or rather, night) in general, I decided it was time to leave.

Damon and I cabbed it to this miserable dance club where I tried to order a drink with a $20 bill that had somehow ripped in half – turns out, bartenders do not enjoy 50% of any bill. After realizing that, I offered him in the other half of the $20, to which he declined, and then dumped out my innocent vodka water. Well, no one treats my boyfriend vodka that way, so I decided that I needed to go home. I was upset that no one had hit on me, which was starting to become a major theme in my life, and hailed a cab home. Well, at this point, I was in no shape to remember much, and the next thing I know I am waking up in my bed. At least I made it home. I grab my computer to check Facebook, and the most odd thing was on my computer. I was logged into Match.com. Turns out, in my drunken state, I signed up for Match!

The Perfect Man

So, I honestly cannot remember the exact place I met Jared. I believe it was Match, but as it was a couple of months ago, and I have had many vodka water’s later, I have since forgotten. So forgive me. Jared and I began chatting online, on gchat, and I was instantly a fan. He was smart, sweet, funny – and best of all, he had a ton of pictures and he was hot. I mean, legitimately hot. He had a Matt Damon look to him, but to me, cuter. Now Jared and I both live in Hell’s Kitchen, which is a neighborhood in West Midtown. So we decided to meet up for a drink at this great spot Eatery. My girl Stacia from work goes there every Tuesday, so I decided to meet her for a drink and have Jared meet me there. I wanted to have Stacia there in case Jared turned to be miserable – I mean, you can’t always trust these online meetings – trust me. Well, Jared waltzes in wearing an amazing suit. I automatically feel the butterflies in my stomach as he sits down for a drink. Stacia, noticing that he was a regulation hottie, did the appropriate thing and excused herself to go home for the night.

After a couple of drinks at the bar, I was legitimately tired, and we decided it was time to go home. I did not want to leave this total catch of a man, however, a successful meeting had already made me giddy. We walk out of Eatery, and I turn to go South towards my apartment, expecting Jared to turn North to walk to his apartment, however, being the gentleman that he was, he said that he wanted to walk with me part of the way, if not all of the way home. Well, it was cold, and I was tired, but I accepted his offer. However, and yes, this makes me the laziest kid ever, I hailed a cab to go10 blocks. I told Jared to get in, and he did. We pulled up to my apartment, and as most of you know, I am the most awkward kid ever. I am miserable at saying good night. All I remember saying is something to the effect of “yea, I live on the 34^th floor and have an amazing view. You should definitely come in and check it out”. And get this, he agreed. (Again, I am no slouch – in the looks or personality department – but was this gorgeous, Dartmouth graduate with a fantastic job really coming up to my apartment? Was I on Totally Hidden Video or Candid Camera? After peering around outside and not noticing any camera crews, I discerned that I was not on any hidden camera shows, and we got out of the cab).

Well, let me just tell you that we both thoroughly enjoyed the view that night. And the next morning, Jared was off and I was left quite smitten with him.

A Match Debacle

So, Match is a pretty interesting site. And even though I never saw the movie or read the book, I am going to steal a line from He’s Just Not that into You. Or rather, paraphrase one. So, you know the feeling you get when you are out and you feel like no one is hitting on you? Or when you are too nervous to hit on someone for fear of rejection? Well, instead of being rejected or feeling unwanted at a bar, where you can at least drink vodka with some sense of, um, pride (?), you now get rejected while sitting on your bed watching Golden Girl re-runs, and where it is not as acceptable to be drinking vodka waters to make the pain go away. So instead of drinking alone, which I honestly refuse to do, you just sit there dumbfounded as to why a guy you thought was less attractive and not as good as you, did not wink back to you. Is it possible I am not as attractive as I think I am? I mean, am I taking crazy pills? I may not have a body to die for. But I am by no means ugly. And while my personality shines, I get that it is hard to convey that on a dating profile. Needless to say, I have gone on several dates with people who have messaged me on there, and none of them have worked out. Those tragedies will be written about soon, however, I did have a 2 week “fling” with an amazing guy that is more important. Enjoy!

The Best Date

So, unfortunately, I had to go out of town the weekend after I met Jared, so we had to postpone our first real date to the following Tuesday. After consulting with Julia, my amazing friend at work about where to go on our date (Julia is a total foodie and I trusted anything she told me about restaurants in NYC), I decided on this adorable little place in the West Village called Paris Commune. I made a reservation and told Jared to meet me there at 7:30. Well, I totally hated the pants I was wearing. So during lunch I decided I needed to find some cute, inexpensive pants to wear instead of the lame ones I was wearing. I skipped over to the Gap – most likely literally skipping as I was giddy with excitement for our date – and started looking for pants. I found a really nice pair of khakis – the only problem was that they didn’t have my size. Well, I have been walking all over NYC like it was my job, and I decided that I could squeeze into one size smaller. Well, before leaving work, I decide to change into my new pants. Turns out, I was right, I could squeeze into the pants I bought – however, the were a tad tight – especially when I sat down. I decided to wear them anyway since we would be sitting down and he wouldn’t be able to tell I was cutting off circulation to master Harold and the Boys (if you catch my drift).

I get to Paris Commune 2 minutes late (my biggest pet peeve), and Jared is already sitting at the table. He is wearing a shirt, a red tie, and a blue cable knit button up sweat over it. Immediately I felt awkward in my choice of attire as he looked like a million bucks. Needless to say, I sat down and had literally the best date of my life. We each had a cocktail which helped loosen us up from any dating jitters. 2 bottles of wine, 3 courses of food, and 4 hours later, we basically closed down the restaurant. And during that time, the conversation never lacked. The time flew by like we had only been there half an hour. And while we were in between courses and chatting, he would grab my hand and hold it and look into my eyes like I was the most important person there. I had never let anyone do that with me, and it felt nice. What was this Jared character doing to me. Was I actually developing feelings for him? Needless to say, we ended up back at my apartment, where we had a grand time checking out my view again. Now the real question was, how was I going to screw this up?

Day Drinking Fun ...

So Saturday started off with some promise. The boy from Thursday had texted me Friday about going to a bar on Saturday afternoon. Maybe this was turning into something promising. We met up around 330 to head down to McSorley's bar, which is the oldest continuously running bar in NYC. Even Abe Lincoln drank beer there. So, even though we were going to meet up with some people I did not know, I still felt it was a cool experience to go to McSorley's. We get there and there is a line. At 4pm. Awesome. This place clearly is famous. We finally get in and meet up with his friend and a giant group of people that neither of us knew. We actually have a table which is cool. When you order beers, you get 2 at a time even though you only order one. You also have a choice - light or dark beer. That is it. And the beers are cheap. So I am in heaven. After hanging out for a few hours, boy and I decide we have had enough. I tell him that I am tired and that I would like to take a nap. So we head back to my place and crawl onto the couch and start to cuddle. It has been a while since I got a good cuddle, so it was nice to have him there. After a little while on the couch, we moved to my bed so we could have a little more room. After cuddling and some enjoyable making out, we decide that we should go get some dinner. We go to my new favorite mexican restaurant, Arriba Arriba, and get some food and margaritas. While we are at the table, the boy is rubbing my leg and is all up on my piece. Could this be turning into something of substance? He keepe leaning in for kisses which is kind of annoying because I do NOT like public displays of affection. While the kisses are nice, I am like, umm, we need to stop this. So, we are eating and drinking and talking and he asks what my biggest turn off in a guy is. Without hesitating, I say smoking. I find smoking vile and it really does turn me off. He admits that he is a smoker and he is definitely trying to quit, but he still smokes occassionally. Buzzkill!! So, he goes out for a cigarette and comes back in and we are finishing up dinner. He then turns to me and says something to the effect of "I think we should just be friends". Umm, excuse me? What? You were just ALL over me at dinner and then you decide that we should just be friends. Confuse me much? I don't really understand. And while yes, it is nice to have a cute gay friend to go to the bars with, I have to say that I was taken aback. Anyway, we head over to have a drink at this bar Therapy, and I decide that I do not want to be there with him anymore. I tell him that we will still be friends, but for the night, I needed to go hang out with other people. It was a bizarre blow to my ego to get blown off. Now I know how the 20,390 boys whose hearts I have broken feel. Tragic.

So, I end up taking a cab down to the LES to meet my friend Julia and some other people at a bar called Stanton Public. 5 jager bombs later, I decide to call it a night. So, this boy did not work out. But he did accomplish 2 things for me - a make out and a cuddle. And it was much needed. So, I am back on the hunt. Beware NYC ... beware.

FINALLY

So, it FINALLY happpened. I got some LIP on LIP action. And much like the fireworks over the manhattan sky line, it was explosive. Not the kiss per se, but the fact that I finally got some. Thank God. I was about to resort to some totally sleazy measures and lower my standards about 4 levels. Luckily, the boy was cute. We "met" online of course, and he actually came out and met me and my coworkers at this bar in the E Village. We were all drinking and hanging out and he showed up and assimilated into the group quite nicely. So, after drinking for a few hours with everyone at happy hour, someone gets this amazing idea to go sing karaoke. So, there is this karaoke place a few streets away, and we show up and are quickly given a room. See, here in NYC, it is awesome, because you get your OWN karaoke room so you can sing and act a fool without strangers watching.

So we get in there and I immediately take the microphone because I am secretly an American Idol, Broadway singing fool - oh wait - not so secretly. Everyone knows homo can sing. So people start drifting out and there are about 3 people left - including me and the boy - and we totally just start making out. Maybe it was my amazing rendition of Don't Let the Sun Go Down, maybe it was my stunning good looks, but we just made out - in front of coworkers. Not my classiest of moments - but hey, a boys got needs. Anyway, I tried to get him to come back to my apartment, to no avail. But in the end, I got what I needed and wanted. A good solid makeout session in a small room in a Japanese karaoke bar. Holler!!