How Am I Not Famous Yet?

"I want to be like everyone else
But richer and more acclaimed
Worshipped and celebrated
Pampered and loved
To see those who've laughed
Feeling ashamed
A glorious, frantic
Adoring response"

-Side Show the Musical

That is pretty much how I feel. Now, you may be wondering why I have the photo above coinciding with that quote. Well, I have to look up to these four people in some way. They have all managed to become famous for one reason or another. An amazing feat if I may say so myself. Also, they have all written books, which is something that I am clearly worthy of. My life has had some crazy moments, and living in NYC, I am adding to them daily. So, what, exactly are these people famous for?

Tucker Max: He is a complete douche bag and a self proclaimed asshole. He drinks excessively and is a complete jerk to all of the women he meets. Sound familiar? Well, except for the fact that I wrong gay guys and not women. Anyway, he wrote a book called "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" about all his sexual exploits. First of all, take a look at this guy. What kind of girls is he hooking up with? I mean, seriously. If he can get laid, I should be getting laid every night. Regardless, he has a book that is turning into a movie, and he is ultimately more famous than I am.

Chelsea Handler: A legitimate comedienne who worked her way up doing stand-up comedy before getting cast on the TV Show Girls Behaving Badly. She now has her own talk show on E! and she is freakin hilarious. She is a total bitch and she makes fun of everyone and has no mercy. I could listen to her talk about Heidi Montag for hours, and most importantly, she loves gays. And midgets. Awesome. She is pretty and hilarious and those are two things that are pretty damn important. She also has two books called "My Horizontal Life" and "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea". Clearly, a book of stories about one nights stands - my forte.

Kathy Griffin: She, too, is a legitimate comedienne who started out doing stand-up as well. She had acting gigs on Suddenly Susan and on Seinfeld before falling into relative obscurity. She always did stand up afterwards which the gay community loved. She finally is getting the A-List status she deserves after winning 2 Emmy's for her work on her reality show My Life on the D-List. She also was nominated for a Grammy which is awesome. She is a total fag hag, if not a gay guy trapped in a girls body. I adore her and she has a book coming out called "A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin". I cannot wait to read it.

Star Jones: My nemesis. After winning our first feud, I refuse to back down. I have no idea what Star Jones did before joining the view, nor do I care. She has also written a couple of books. One is called "You Have to Stand for Something, Or You'll Fall for Anything". I stand for me being more famous than Star. She annoys me.

Anyway, I will become famous and have a book about me published and get to be on Chelsea's talk show. If I have to be a bigger douche than Tucker Max (umm, not that hard), a bigger bitch than Chelsea Handler (again, not reaching here), a bigger gay guy than Kathy Griffin (check), and have a bigger body than Star Jones ... wait, erm, gross, scratch that ... I will be famous. Look out world. Here I come!

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